Cobbiewalker

凭什么？

2011-11-30T23:11:00.001+08:00

对，我凭什么生气呢？又不是没见过面，为什么当我听到你和别人说 “好久不见啊，蛮想念你的” 或 “有来的话记得要出来见面” 这种话时，心里就是酸酸的。

担心什么呢？？担心我会被。。。？担心你会。。。？还是我根本还没走出我的过去，还是过去说发生的给了我教训，所以才那么小心，那么多想？

我，能满足你吗？我，会有不周到吗？我，是不是对你不好？还是太好？

hmmm.. 干嘛想那么多呢？他又不是对你不好，但他也有他的空间啊，不可能会让玩我他的时间的啊。。反而我这样侵略他的时间，显得我更自私呢。。。

还是慢慢改掉这习惯吧，12月要来了！真期待！ (:

小人

2011-10-29T09:09:00.001+08:00

原来算命师说得对。。我命好，只差在小人多。当时都不信，但我发觉小人的出没愈来愈多。。。

Even if you have done so many good deeds, gave so much contribution, if just a little screw up, and you're finished.

People nowadays, only see the bad things you did, and will start criticizing and look down upon you, well, at least that's how my life is.

I will be remembered as a person who have done nothing good but only bad things, even if the bad things are just small mistakes, but it's already enough to cover all the other good things I have done.

所以说。。。我的命，小人多。

But that doesn't mean I am going to quit, no sir. I will still do what I believe is right, I will still continue to contribute, to dedicate, to be enthusiastic , to be passionate, I will prove them wrong, just wait and see.

开学了

2011-10-17T23:34:00.000+08:00

终于都开学了。。还以为今天能准时到学校。。谁知。。还是。。赖床。。搞到迟了半个小时才走进可是。。 Dammit。。

＊哈秋～～～～！！！＊

糟！伤风了。。。Double dammit。。最讨厌伤风了。。全身都没力。。都没心情做事。。。只想睡觉。。只想你在身边看着我。。在我身边给我些温暖。。。紧紧地抱着我。。。man flu.. lol.. 没办法咯。。在我最没力的时候。。来给我支持。。

我病疯了～～～～！哈哈！！

没想到还能那么常见到你。。还想着开学后就没什么见到彼此了。。:P

啊～～～睡觉算了吧。。。

I wonder..

2011-10-15T01:04:00.001+08:00

I wonder.. 你还有在看我的部落格吗？好想知道，好想问你，但又觉得很尴尬。很想知道你知不知道我都一直再说你呢？能告诉我吗？还是让他自然的来吧。。

说起自然的来。。就要开学了，还剩两天能和你在一起度过整天的日子。。美好的时光，总是过得特别快。。夕阳无限好。。我都好好珍惜和你的每一天。该来的，施总都要来。。。好在我都有和你度过漫长的假期。。

很开心，慢慢实现了对你的承诺。你脸上都常常戴上了笑容了，你也跟我们周围的人开始混在一起了，你说，我能不满足吗？

就算你怎样在欺负我，酸我，我都不介意，反而，我希望你能用我来发泄，来吧，我就是你的 punching bag, 我可以成为你的不倒翁，我要成为能满足你能保护的哥哥，能听你诉苦谈心事的伙伴，能陪伴你寂寞的伴侣。

周边的人都问我，我们俩是不是拍拖了。我们之间都走得那么近了，有时我也觉得我们好像真的在拍拖，可是我还是笑笑说我们俩只是很好朋友而已，没什么更特别的关系。可是。。心里。。真的那么觉得吗？

我也宁可这样。。不做情侣，可以排除分手的发生，也可以减大大少失去你的机会。。还是可以那样对你，都很好了！我是专一狂，若找到了我喜欢的，我真的可以跟他走很长的路，反而是要看对方能不能够tahan我而已。。。说真的。。我很烦对吧。。。动不动就妒忌。。动不动就吃醋，动不动就扁嘴，动不动又突然high起来。。。

啊。。。刚得知你不真么回来看我写什么的。。心里觉得怪怪的。。

看着你每天成长，我都够开心了。。算了吧，不知要写什么了。。

275th post

2011-10-11T08:58:00.000+08:00

生活如何？曾经单调，可是你的出现让我的生活充满了活力和色彩。

友情呢？还是和我那般好朋友那么的坚强，而且现在加上了一个新的成员，你。

满脑子都是你，也想不到要写什么。你就一直在我脑海里出现。你说了别把你当做我的全部，可是你就是在我生活中的全部都出现了。在乐团你能出现，已经占了我生命的一半了。你能在我的"close friend group" 出现，也占了我生活的一大部分。你还把我空虚都填得满满的。

很开心能认识了你，把我空虚的心灵都填满了希望和光彩。每天和你出去走走是多么的好玩。每次看见你那无辜的脸孔真的好想去捏。每次你沉默没表情时，我是多么的难过，想逗你开心。每次我们要分离的时候，我是多么想紧紧抱着你不放。每次你的那一笑，心里面都是甜甜暖暖的，就算是扁嘴的我都会立刻笑起来。你的喜好，你不喜欢的，你的小动作，你的姿势，你的人生经历，我们俩所度过的时间，我全都记下来了，而且还有很多我还没知道呢！你又让我鼓起勇气觉接受对你这个感觉，但我却只能把他们给藏起来，也在慢慢的伤着自己。但，我还是那么的开心有你的出现。因为在这种情况下，我还是得和你保持好友的关系。

“没有人要内疚没需要原宥
在十字街头就相互保佑
那些体贴问候那美丽镜头
没必要一分开就变成了诅咒
相爱这一场
可能是为了能拥有一个好朋友
还是好朋友比爱人长久
不能牵的手按在心头
在最寂寞的关头永远在左右
事过情迁后
（升华以后）升华眼泪后
思念是最漫长的享受
（漫长的享受）
那无痛的伤口还带着温柔到白头
亲吻失去感受火花烧到尽头
没有激情有感情
有另一种邂逅相爱这一场
可能是为了能拥有一个好朋友
还是好朋友比爱人长久
不能牵的手按在心头
在最寂寞的关头永远在左右
事过情迁后（升华以后）升华眼泪后
思念是最漫长的享受（漫长的享受）
那无痛的伤口还带着温柔到白头（是什么叫你我只配做一对好朋友）” —— 古巨基 & 梁静茹－ “还是好朋友”

完全说出心里面的话。。

想跟你更靠近，却我想这样儿因此失去你。

你是一个那么好的人，但我却是全身污浊的人。我很容易自卑，很容易吃醋。在我超级崇拜你的同时，我也自卑自己的不上劲，自卑自己比不起你，无法让你觉得有安全感。在很希望你能交更多我圈子里的朋友的时候，我却同时在吃醋，怕你会把我忘掉。矛盾啊。。矛盾。。

加上，我就是那么的不知足，一直向你剥削更多，一直要你委屈，就只是为了满足我的兽欲。在我很想和你一起得到快感的时候，我都一直忽略你真正的感受，有时还觉得你肯这样，是不想让我觉得伤心。我感到很羞耻，在你心目中的我，竟然是一个那么的复杂，那么的极端。只愿我们能继续走下去。。。我就真的心满意足了。

Cheers to a lot of years for us!

无言

2011-10-11T00:54:00.002+08:00

今天很开心，说真的，今天很开心，看见你开怀大笑的时那时刻是多么的幸福的，心中任何烦恼都抛掉了。

你问我，难道每次和你出去就不开心吗？错了，是很珍惜每分每秒，有时甚至不希望日子过的那么快。。。每当想到要分别了，心里是有些不舍得，都很渴望能有你常常在身边，就算我们俩沉默都好，心里都觉得暖暖的。

最近你也开始在我面前露出你那份孩子气。太可爱了，曾经无时无刻沉默的你，有了很大的变化，很欣慰。更想保护你，更不想辛苦你，更不想让你不开心了。

所以，算了吧，竟然你也那么坚持了，我也最好不要勉强吧。就这样吧。。我也只好慢慢适应。。。怪，就怪我的一时冲动，就算我现在后悔，又有什么用呢？你，也不能那样看待我了；我，也只好接受事实。自己爽又怎样，你不觉得爽，我也觉得尴尬。我尽然可以为这种事情伤心，那时刻的我，的确无言。不是因为你的抗拒而无言，而是自己的不谅解和自私而无言。

我也乖乖听话，就算你欺负我，我也不介意，就算你说你会对我不好，会伤害我，我也不介意。我愿意承担，我能忍，我，只想你开心。我也自然会开心。

这也应该是我的弱点吧。为了他人，忘了自我。我也不太在意自己要什么了，重要的是，我能给人家什么。我也不想得到什么报答了，只要你能真心，是我能够得到的最好的报答。

“我一个人流泪就好了，你别流泪”－这句话，其实对我意义很深。对，你就别怪你自己了，重要的是，你能够接受像我这种朋友吗？你能够配合我这种极端的爱护吗？就。。。这样吧。。。

遇到你，是我的荣幸。就算不能像以往那样，我还是会默默的在欣赏你的美，还是会不断的给予付出，你就不要觉得有压力吧，那，我也觉得足够了。

知足 2.0

2011-10-09T01:39:00.004+08:00

再次的越线了，一直告诉自己不能犯的错也犯了，也经历过了罪恶感了。自私的说。。。能不能不要离开我呢？能不能恢复到之前那样呢？我也只好慢慢来察觉吧。。。很希望当时能resist....

不是说了要知足吗？你到底是为了什么而跟他跑得那么近？是为了满足你的欲望吗？

别在让他误会了！不是说了不要让他受伤害吗？不是说了要好好对待他吗？你太不知量力了！以你现在的表现，你能让他放心吗？还说要好好爱他，呸！

这纠纷连绵的情况下，我做了一个我希望能坚持的决定－－我将会进入“冬眠”的状态，默默地等待你的同意，默默地等待你准备好心情，默默地等待我期望春天的到来。现在，就应该以“好朋友”的心情对待他吧。。做好朋友应该做的，不要越线了！这种是难得的缘分，竟然能认识他了，就得咬着不放，好好维持和保护这段友情！别再搞砸了！就算是给他个紧紧地拥抱，也是个纯真友情的拥抱。做什么都好，别想太多。记住，别让他流泪，别让他不开心。控制自己，就算要接近他，在更一步接触，也要他同意。

说真的。。。当我说要放下对你的“感觉”时，心里是有点死了 (part of me died, not 死心)，很痛，可是我必须得这么做。。如果要你留在身边，就真的务必这么做。。把真真的感情都收起来，纯心的做好朋友吧。说得容易，做的难。我要证明，我是可以等的，我是和之前的都不一样。

现在最重要的是解决眼前的问题。演奏会要来了，林冲练好了吗？首次的协奏曲，可别在他面前搞砸哦～再多一个星期就开学了，见面的机会也少了，就让时间为挑战的评判吧。也得专注在课业上了，有机会的话就一定要找他，但也别打扰到他。

知足吧，佳瀚。爱他，就要会放下他，等到时刻刚了，才拿回那份“感情”出来吧。

眼睛开始湿湿的，停笔吧，也不知要如何继续了。。

ps: 其实，每当能和你出去，能看着你做你喜欢的事情，外表看起来没表情的我，其实心里开了朵朵的花儿，都很珍惜能和你在一起的每分每秒。

待续

知足啊。。。

2011-10-03T02:10:00.001+08:00

含着眼泪的车程回家。。。就因为一封短讯。。。别想太多了吧。。。其实都已经早早告诉自己了。。。依然那么的固执。。。视觉变的水水的。。。连眨眼都不敢。。。别在公众场所流泪，羞死人了。。。

我，说谎了。。。看来，我还是瞒不了你的吧。。。很想瞒着你，可是又想让你知道。。

矛盾的我啊。。。我到底想怎样？？？？

我承认。。。我已让我自己爱上了你。。。

无论我多么的抗拒自己，绑住自己，心里的我，依然是喜欢了你了。。。

开心的是，我越来越能在你脸上看得见更多笑容了，也逐渐听到你的笑声了。感动 :')

若能毫无犹豫的紧紧抱住你，能够牵着你的手，能够默默的看着你，能够让你靠在我的肩膀上，能有肌肤上的接触，已经很幸福了。。。

可是，就是不能每次这样啊！控制自己啊！

知足啊。。。知足啊。。。别再越线了。。。他也让了你那么多，就算了吧。。。别在伤害对方。。。不要因为自己的过错和胡思乱想而失去对你那么要好的朋友。。。你就忘掉那个想法吧。。。可悲啊可悲。。。 Anson, 你又想太多了，你又自作多情了，你也讲太多了。。。别再说什么追不追他了吧。。。就算了吧。。。就好好保握他这个朋友，别失去他！

别在他面前露出伤感了，就让它随风而去吧～露出真笑，点亮他那常常无色的脸颊，别让他辛苦了，你就帮他负担啊！而不是让他负担你～！

如果你是真真的爱他。。。就别说一些让他难过的话语，别露出让他担忧的表情，别做出让他不舒服的举动。。。能够陪住他，保护他，包容他，逗他开心，就好了，要不然就默默的在他背后守护他就可以了。。。别在胡思乱想了。。就好好的，以朋友的身份，开开心心的纯真去爱他，陪他，保护他吧！就像你说的，“顺其自然”！ :D

不知如何继续这篇部落格了，先停在此吧。 To be continued.

Bombardment, Friction, The Big Bang

2011-09-26T21:20:00.000+08:00

ps: This goes out to everything that happened to me through out my life that I could recall. It doesn't have to be specifically aiming on anything particular. And now, let's proceed.

The Universe, was said to be created by a Big Bang. With the bombarding of particles as small as atoms and molecules to create this infinite space we call the Universe. There are also other theories that rest on the creation of the Universe, and so, there weren't really a way to really proves of the creation of the Universe.

And that's, how misunderstandings happen. Because of the misconception of impressions, the friction between 2 individuals or groups, the bombardments of ideas and view points, the tension it caused, leads to the "Big Bang".

As the tension rose to its peak, the rope snapped, and the fire started. Even if I have the respect for everyone else involved, but my voice, had to be heard. It may sound bias and self-centered, but do read on with an open mind.

I should not describe what really happened, because to be honest, what really went wrong? Was I the only one to be blamed? Or was it the other group has to take up some of the blame too? Are we going to just sit down and count how much blame we took and decide who the winner of this feud is?

I was told that what happened in the past, stays in the past, and what matters is the present and the future. The thing is, now, it was the past that caused this tension between us. Yea sure, because I'm dubbed as "young", "a kid", "not matured yet", that doesn't mean that I will be blamed and misunderstood upon? And just because I'm a "kid", the things I said are not rational and that I am not giving respect?

And when it happens, did we try to look at the problem from both sides of the story? Or maybe because I'm the "kid" in the situation, and being the adults that everyone are, that I'll be automatically dubbed the wrong one, and I am the one that's being disrespectful.

I admit, I didn't obey the rules after I left. And I am willing to take in the consequences, for I have my responsibilities when I disobey the rules. But does it really have to be this way? Oh the moment when you gave me that smile, it shows that how fed up you are to see my presence huh. That rolling of the eye when you say "You are passionate, and we all know that". The sarcasm in your tone, truly astounds me. Are you trying to hint me something? Cause I find you hilarious.

And yes, you all are more stressful than I am, for I have not stepped into adulthood, for I have no experience in handling task as hard as everyone else, and that I am told that I was born with a silver spoon. But is it the most adult thing to do, by standing at one side of the story and not see the whole picture as well?

I can go on and write a book about the imperfections that I have, and how I had to go through to find them out, and how it had affected my life, and how all the scrutiny people gave made me grow up and be stronger. But what's the point, if no one is willing to stand on the other side and tried to understand as well?

Maybe that's what it is. My life, has always been surrounded by people who will mistake you (小人). Whether it's in school, in orchestra, at home. I'll always be the one being targeted. Was it my fault? In everybody's eye, I am always the one that doesn't meet the imaginative "requirements", that I do not stick to what's forcefully right. And maybe that's what I am, I cannot stay in a shell that truly defines what an individual should be in order to please everyone. Hence, the feuds ignites.

My image ruined, and my first impression to everyone shattered. At times like this, only people who truly knows me and that are close to me will give me the support I need. My intentions were never negative, but because of this shattered image of myself to everyone else, I've became not welcomed.

Sure, right now it seems that I'm the self-centered one that only looks at myself being the right person in these feuds is it? That I always blame on others for my sorrow and I never really took the chance to reflect upon myself what really went wrong. So that's how it is? Me being a spoilt and self-centered brat that only thinks of nothing but myself and the benefits for me? Oh puh-lease, that's truly insulting.

That's how the world works too. One of them being contradictions, that's what it is.

We are told to be ourselves, to be happy and comfortable with our own skin. To be able to express oneself differently when it comes to tackle the same situation and still get to obey the rules.

On the other hand, everything has to be in this one particular order, or else the result would be catastrophic.

Let's be flexible. I was taught to always see things at both sides of the argument. We should not be bias, nor should we always be stubborn and keep to our stand. Sometimes we say that seeing is believing. But is what you were seeing the truth it self?

That's how cunning misunderstandings are. And I'm tired of it. To be given names, to be given dubs, to be given the look when I walk pass, to be underestimated, to be hearing whispers and gossips behind my back. It's getting really annoying. I've taken in the blames and the scrutiny, and I still have the utmost respect for you all, but my voice just had to be heard too, even if I am just a "kid".

Even if the higher ups sees me as a pesky, disrespectful nuisance, or that I'm the "pest", my passion for it will not die, but it's just cruel to shun it.

Kudos and much blessings to everyone.

And here I am, really sounding so self-centered and so blinded. Should I just leave, and not show myself again? Hopefully the systematic utopia of perfection and discipline shall then be built with no other disruptions and nuisances. I'm just a "kid" anyway, aren't I? If I even try to say more, I'll just seem like I'm trying to prove myself, being a show off, a non-low profile person, and trying to hide the fact that I'm totally wrong (which is false) and being disrespectful.

Actions speak louder than words. But what use it is even when your actions are misunderstood?

So what is the conclusion to all of these misunderstandings? Were they really solved? And had the tension really disappeared? Does it mean that if I leave, everything will be okay?

No matter what, I am given another chance. I'd better not blow it. All these feelings I had, are all written on black and white. Time to move forward. And I hope, everyone else does that same too.

Here ends the post.

ps again : Mixed feelings here and there. And I'm sure, it'll definitely stir up more misunderstandings. But like I said, I had to voice up one way or another.

And it continues

2011-09-25T20:57:00.004+08:00

Been thinking what you have told me through out the whole week.. Analyzing every thing you told me, been thinking, how should I tackle the next step..

Will I step onto a trap, or will it light a new and brighter path ahead..?

Just not looking for you is already very intolerable, but it's what you want too, not to make you my everything. Not now, I told myself.

One day, you'll know.

But what if.. sigh......................... Thinking too much on a daily basis, seeping through my every daily activity, but I couldn't help it too.

Sometimes feel like breaking down, but I'm still gonna keep my cool. Sometimes wanna get a little different, yet I'll know you time to get used to it.

Sometimes I just really wanna let things go with the flow, but on the other hand I really wish it'll go "my way" and not get too off course as possible.

Be brave Anson, even if you failed the first few times, stay strong, get your heads up, shoulder wide open, and accept what the path ahead has to offer, if you truly feel strongly about this, don't give up that easily.

You're strong, I know it.

Congratulations Anson!

2011-09-22T19:07:00.002+08:00

Wow, Anson! I totally have to congratulate you on a job well done. Not joking, I'm amazed by how you can pull it off once again! Amazing!

I'm amazed by how you are always able to stir things up!When every thing was so quiet and sweet, you just have to mess it all up! How do you do it?? :D

You call that love?? You don't even dare to show your mistakes to the person you love, how are you going to be so sure you'll be totally truthful in the future? Applause!

Oh oh, and do you recall when you made someone frown? That sure blew you off the water huh! Doesn't that give you a big slap on the face and tell you to FUCKING STOP BECAUSE YOU HAVE GONE TOO FAR YOU FUCKING ARSEHOLE AND NOW YOU MADE THE ONE YOU LOVE FROWN! Another round of applause for Anson ;D

Oh oh, and also the moment when you kept asking for forgiveness? HAH! Dream on Anson :)

Seriously, you have to take off that diva perfectionist attitude and start appreciating before you'll be left for good! DO YOU HEAR ME ANSON!

APPRECIATE THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE ANSON! DONT EXPECT THEM TO ALWAYS FORGIVE YOU, THIS IS THE REAL WORLD, WAKE UP AND ACCEPT YOUR OWN MISTAKES! LEARN TO LOVE YOUR MISTAKES AWAY AND LEARN FROM THEM. DONT THINK TOO HIGHLY OF YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU'LL JUST BE A LAUGHING STOCK.

UNDERSTAND?????!!

Hope you'll be reading this...

演技

2011-09-21T14:56:00.002+08:00

啊。。。我的演技退步了。。还是你一早就看穿了我？

听到你这一个大大的好消息，当然为你开心咯。。怎么可以让自己的无能来破坏气氛呢？

而你则因为这回事而担心了，不要这样，你的成就，你的成绩，值得赞扬，这让我更敬佩你，别因为我而破坏了那美丽的气氛 (:

若。。当时你考进了一间比你现在更好的学校，那我不就完全没认识你了吗。。。？

我不就失去了。。。很多东西吗？

我的生活将不会像现在多姿多彩，

我将不会认识像你那么厉害的人物，

我的生活都还是那以前的空虚。

但是。。我觉得。。如果你当时选择了去另一间学校。。你应该会认识一个

比我好的人

比我有用的人

比我更稳重的人

比我更能依赖的人

比我说话更有意思人

比我在任何方面好的人

我，不知量力，但依然会坚持，爱惜。Anson...加油！

Slow down baby

2011-09-20T19:02:00.001+08:00

天啊天啊～又有了另一个暗示～呵呵

完完全全点出了我“视觉”上的漏洞～呵呵

Damn it, I know I have to slow down, always have been, but sometimes the stallion in me just have to gallop freely once in awhile.. Dayem dude, chill!

Let it go with the flow, he he ;)

我又在胡说八道了 =.=

我还会有机会吗

2011-09-20T17:29:00.001+08:00

有一种好难呼吸的痛。。。现在围着我的墙逐渐的要向我倒塌。。。我还能顶得住的，我能。。我能。。。

看到了现在的成绩，我真的醒了。。

然后。。。。。。。

我看了我自己。。。我到底能佩得起你吗。。？

我。。还会有机会吗。。？

今天都很心不在焉。。。陪妈购物时。。都很想跑到角落躲起来流泪。。。

对不起，又给你看见我伤心了。。又给你负担了。。。

但，你却是我只要见的人，告诉你我心里的伤。。。但就不想连累你。。

好难得又这么深厚的感觉。。。但也却。。能这样而已。。

假期。。你能快点完吗？？我快受不了了！好想见到你。。。

精神错乱

2011-09-19T19:42:00.001+08:00

啊。。怎么办。。我也开始精神错乱了。。依然还是想太多。。自作多情。。

我依然还是继续我现在的行为，现在的举动，现在的心情。。

我是个容易吃醋，衰弱无能的傻老。。。

好不想辜负你的期望哦。。。

慢慢的改变自己，只希望你能在和我聊天的时候觉得更舒服。。每次都希望不想闷到你。。所以都敢拿出任何话题来谈。。。但同时也怕说难听的东西令你不舒适。。。

想impress你。。。可是又怕让你觉得我骄傲show off。。。

我们之间。。。到了什么状况呢？要点怕知道你的看法。。。

想对你更坦白。。。却。。。不敢

想问你的想法。。。却。。。不敢

不想每次烦你。。。却。。。失败

不想每次吓你。。。却。。。失败

有时偷偷的等你online,然后你online时却说刚巧一起online。。。。

每次都爱作弄你，因为你的反应好可爱，好逗人开心。。

每晚睡前都听得到你。。感的很幸福。。。睡也睡的更熟 >.<

开心的是，最近你都很开心。。我也觉得安慰。。。

你说那些话时，心就像飞了起来一样～不想让它停止。。。

当你心情低落时，我觉得我很没用。。。不能逗你开心。。。

你在我眼中是美，你却不想接受。。。

好想更进一步。。。却不想这样失去你。。

好想好想。。。好想好想。。。好想。。。。哎～

As the day goes by..

2011-09-16T23:03:00.000+08:00

As the day goes by, after the night I went berserk and out of control, I sensed a slight change. Was it because I was feeling different, and there's actually nothing going wrong, and I'm imagining things again?

Still, the nights went by, and we went on the right track again. Good (:

Went out drinking the other night, and gosh do I feel bad making someone waiting for me, before I got drunk, and after I got drunk, it was on my mind the whole time. Tee hee :P

So wanna tell you what I really feel, but nah, it's not the right time, not gonna work, I'll just keep it in my head then (:

Have mercy on me

2011-09-13T12:34:00.003+08:00

What a chaotic night it was.. The night I lost control of my emotion, right in front of the computer screen. I because I couldn't accept myself, for being a....

COWARD

I was so afraid of history replaying itself. Guess I was bull shitting when I said the past made me stronger and I have walked out of it. The fact is, it haunts me sometimes, not often, but it still does.

I always want to let people know that I am a strong person and I will not be defeated that easily. But, when you came in, I allowed you to strip down the walls I built. I allowed myself to lay naked, embracing the true dark truth that I neglected.

The worst part is, I still have to open my big mouth and ruin everything. I must have scared you.. and you might just as well start distancing yourself from me.. It's unavoidable if it happens...

Yet, we still carried on with our conversation, and I already could sense you avoiding... How I wish you could just tell me, that everything really is ok.. What's the use, I'm just gonna show how pathetic I am again. The image that I want to uphold, demolished. The relationship I wanted to further extend, met a huge hiccup.

I am bound to you. Yet I am not brave enough to really let you know what I really feel. I hate being lied to, yet I am a liar myself. Those little white lies.. I seek for forgiveness every time, down on my knees, begging for mercy.

And so the fantasy begins, with it's ups and downs. And I just couldn't stop assuming it will meet a beautiful and happy route ahead. I'm still willing to sacrifice for it. I don't want to lose it, not like that.

Where to begin with

2011-09-13T00:37:00.005+08:00

The time seemed right, the emotions came surging in, and I think it can finally sit down quietly, and for once, blog.

What to begin with?

Love life?

Well.. let's just say, I finally meet someone special.

And that's the thing.. Whenever I finally found one.. It's always either they have a boyfriend, or they're not the right person.. I know.. It's complicated.. It's like, hoping for rain to fall in a dry spelled land, when it comes, everyone rejoice, when it doesn't, people will sigh in despair, yet not forgetting to hope for it to come again.

I always tend to think too much, that's what's wrong. I assume too much.

Or maybe that's the reason why I've been single, I assume too much. I mean, I know what my problems are, I just have to change them..

I've been mixing up the shoulds and shouldn'ts

Oh how I wish I could just shout out what's on my mind and everybody will accept it.

But I can't please everyone :P

"Every step I take, leads to one mistake..

I don't want to show that I lost control, but I keep on arriving to the one thing that I need to...

Walk Away"

-Christina Aguilera

My my girl.. you always sing the things that are on my mind, this one in particular too..

Yet, I never regret a thing. I still enjoyed every single moment.. When we chat, when we laughed, we we're all quiet watching movie, when I waited you to online... But that's all there is, there isn't anything more I can do.

I wouldn't even allow myself to lay one finger and hurt each other..

Unless we're truly ready for it, I hope.

Having is one thing, but losing is a BIGGER thing that I cannot afford.

Every night, before I go to bed, I will be so thankful of not saying anything bad and ruin our relationship. I cross my fingers, closed my eyes, and longed for the day to come.

If you really read this.. I hope.. this won't ruin.. but you just have to know.. one way or another.

What about Friendship?

Has been quite monotonous as well. Sometimes I think I'm treating them too good, but that's my nature. I love to give, so much that I can forget my own happiness.

Yet, sometimes, I wish I'm given back as well... I'm only human.. but no use for me to voice this out.. does it?

I can't go on.. my feelings faded away, need to collect them again so I can continue.. This is Anson, signing off.

Wassup?

2011-07-28T12:00:00.002+08:00

Hey there, been awhile since I ever posted a thing on this damn blog. What to talk about? Korea Trip? Sabah Chinese Orchestra Festival? Sabah Trip I organized for my Singapore friends?

Speaking of Singapore...

hey there?

2011-03-05T02:23:00.004+08:00

Hey there, how are you? It's been awhile since I, opened up this inner world of mine. How was the journey so far?

Have things been going well? Or have you been falling deeper and deeper into this pit of nothingness.

I had a really nice and motivating talk with a very close friend of mine. Apparently, I realized, I've been neglecting myself. For the happiness of those close to me, I've abandoned myself unconsciously.

Being so cheerful in front of everybody...

yet so cold and dark when I'm all alone..

Why do I tend to be so dark and pessimistic when the night falls?

Is it a desperate call for attention? Was it the past?

Was it that I'm tired of hidden and avoiding?

I've told myself, I grew up from all the scars and pain, but, have I still not let go off thee?

What do I really want to achieve in life? To be accepted? To be loved? To be surrounded by wealth and friends? To be extremely appealing to people? To be an icon?

Why do I still have this deep darkness inside of me? Have I not guided myself from darkness and into thy light?

Why... oh why..?

Facebook status compilation - Discouraged in Life

2010-09-28T23:41:00.003+08:00

28th of Sept, 2010.

"Soon, I'll be forgotten, thanks for being such nice friends to me. Alas, the emoness took over me, and I am being engulfed in darkness. There shall I be forgotten, may it be so."

"We all laughed together, seen each other cry, had fun together, and went through crazy times together, alas, I feel that it can't be avoided, the tendency of being left behind, for I am not worthy of being anybody's friend. Here, I give everyone my salutations, I lost in life."

"It seems that everyone is going through some up and downs of their own. Some lost their relatives, some had relatives hospitalized, some had arguments with friends, some had arguments with family. Some had heart breaks, some had heart aches. Some are having difficulties in a relationship, some are just going crazy every night thinking what a failure they are themselves. I, am a few of them. I shall never be accepted."

"the worse thing is, i've gone through it a lot, and still, i have never had a brighter day... even if i had a wonderful day, with lots of laughter and sharing with friends, but deep down, when night comes, i can't stop struggling with my inner sadness."

"i have to wait.. and do nothing but wait.. i tried my best to make things better for me, but alas, all ends in vain. I still prioritize others benefit even more."

I am still, in search of my inner peace. I used to have it, when I had my heart fall for someone. But yet, I never had a brighter day till now, I never had inner peace. My heart, starts to wilt. I feel, so discouraged in life.

What's gonna be next?

Let's clarify

2010-08-31T14:00:00.003+08:00

I'm being hated and disliked, because of the things I do out of protection for a close friend.

I'm being looked down, being scorned, because of the way I tackle things.

I was being gossiped, for being 'different'.

But still, the people who gossiped, the people who dislikes, the people who scorns, the people gossiped, don't really cause a big concern for me. Why? They are just, immature.

I am protecting my close friend, whom was hurt for so long, and I am pretty sure I am not the only one who does it, everyone who cares about him does, you blastanted skank! I stood at your point of view, and they are just IRRELEVANT. I am doing justice, for both sides. Calling me busybody? How immature of you all. Given the same situation to you, you would probably do the same thing I did.

I can't bear to see people, especially my close friends getting hurt, especially when they shouldn't be together to start. Don't say a word, it's pointless, everyone agrees. Plus, you can't get everyone to like you, that's impossible. So, let's not argue anymore, I think I'm matured enough to draw the line. So I hope everyone does the same. Please, reflect upon yourselves. :)

Back to Sandakan! AGAIN!

2010-08-31T11:03:00.020+08:00

I was back in Sandakan, hometown, for the last 3 weeks. how was it?

EPIC AWESOMENESS!

But still, I don't know why the hell I answer "tiring" whenever people ask me "Hey, how was your holidays?"

Was it because the awesomeness was so epic it's tiring? One thing is for sure, I didn't go clubbing! WTF!!! (hadn't club since went to Singapore for studies) Guess I'm not really into clubbing anymore :(

So how was Sandakan this time? Well, since that 'somebody' was out of the way. I really got the chance to spend time with friends. Namely, Jie Nam, Ly Heng, Gordon, Tj, Janelle, my senior 2 and 3 classmates, it was so awesome.

Of course, there were the usual yum cha outings, but this time, they were all so different. It's like, they are more fulfulling! I dunno, maybe because, I'm not being hurt by someone... or something, it's complicated!

Me feeding Jie Nam -.-

Me feeding Ly Heng -.-

Jamie came to visit Sandakan! I became her personal driver. yum yum! :D

Sepilok~ :D

The love for horses :)

In Secret Recipe! :D

Went to Leo Installation with my buddies Gordon and Tj and the lovely, Janelle :P

Janelle and... ahem~ xP

Mdm Chong and I~ (best pic of the night I think)

Janelle, Mdm Chong and an uncle o.o

Herlyne and Me! She's so gorgeous in baby pink dress :P

One of the most good looking guy (Tj) and me! :D

Lady in pure white, Joanne!

2 hot dudes! Tj and Gordon!

Hot dude and cute chick! :D

Tj and me~

Lovely Jia Ying and Me :)

Even get to witness the birth of 24 Drums thingie (节令鼓).

Even got to watch Yu Yuan Night!! The most awaited event of the school year!!

Sorry just uplaoded this.. lazy!! There are more in my facebook profile :D

Christina Aguilera 'Burlesque' Trailer

2010-08-06T10:47:00.002+08:00

Oh my god! It's finally out! The trailer to the first movie for Christina Aguilera 'Burlesque'

It's time for a change

2010-07-13T22:16:00.002+08:00

It took me days to realize I was falling for you, and it took me months to let the feel deepens.

It took me weeks to let me realize that you weren't falling for me, and it took me seconds to totally let go with tears shed.

Yes, I lost the fight, and I'm finally talking about it. Just as I thought there was magic between us, you chose lust when you deceived me, and it truly is a tragic. We both lost it all, the love has gone.

I felt our world had been infected, the moment you treated me differently, you started neglecting me. We found our lives been changed, you lost me.
Letting you go, was easier than I thought it would be. Maybe it's because, I have good companions like Jade, Jamie Gan, Aaron Song. Crazy people to play with like Ryan Nathan Lee and Jin Yu. I channelled all my anger, all my sorrow into spending time with people that I have right now, in Singapore.

There's nothing I can do to prevent this from happening so soon, I had tried my best, but still you avoided me from letting me enter your world. I don't blame you for that.
Here, I wish you joy and happiness, with the person you chose to be with. I'll be fine here, because I learnt how to be stronger than ever.

Sure, there were times when I still shed tears looking at the pictures we took together, all the SMSes we sent, or even recalling the crazy moments we had together. But not anymore, I may still be fighting to forget, but still, thank you for the good memories.
From day 1, when I found out I had fallen for you, I knew it was a gamble, and I was willing to be a risk taker, the pretender. And, from day 1, I realize that things weren't working out as I thought it would be, I already started letting go, that's why, I wasn't as hurt as before.

The previous falls that I had, thought me to be stronger, to be better, to be wiser, and I managed to pull through this time. Typing this post, means that I am ready to carry on.

But still, ready doesn't mean willing is it?

I do believe, we are still friends? Or you chose to shun me from your world ever again. What ever the outcome maybe, I'm sure, that time will slowly sort things out between us.

For now, it's time for a change.

Dyeing my hair, signifies the will to let go of the dark past I been in. I hope there will be more change to come, as I slowly stand up from the pain I still suffered from.

Thank you my friends, for always being there for me. It truly is appreciated.
In the end, when I read this post from the top, tears came rolling down again. Was it tears of happiness, that I finally have the courage to face it? ; Or was is tears of sadness, over the lost that I had?
Whatever the reasons may be, life still moves on. May a brighter tomorrow awaits us all.

I know...

2010-07-12T12:01:00.000+08:00

I know, from the instant you started neglecting me, the magic is already drowning. I know, from the moment we stopped webcamming, you were tired of me. I know, from the time you started treated me this way, you had your heart looking at someone else.

I see it all, I know it all, that's a really sad thing. For now, I felt like I was used for amusement. I won't blame you for that. I will never blame you for that. I'll just carry this burdened self away from your life. But how I'd wish you tell me that, and not leave me waiting for weeks, for months. The day and nights wanting for you to online, waiting for you to reply. The time I spent trying to figure out what's in your mind.

All those time, how I'd wish you just tell me. So I won't be a fool of myself. I gave you my all, and I was treated unkindly.

What is more to do for me? There's no point going forward, I have lost the fight. I'll just pack my bags and leave. I am letting go again. Those past months, with only you in my head. Now, I'll have to occupy that hole in my heart with other things.

The first step of letting go, was to remove you from my 'favourite' list in my MSN, then removed you from my featured friend's list. There is more to be done, but at least, remove the things were I can actually see your name.

I am so afraid of seeing your name. The sight of people mention your name trembles me.

It's official, I am going to let go. Maybe, until the distant future, I shall return. For now, are we still friends?

In Sync

2010-07-10T01:19:00.003+08:00

This is it, I'm finally in sync with my inner self. I have finally ventured to that part of me that I wanted to voice out so much. It's that vulnerable side of me. Right now, I am stripped down to nothing. So let's begin.

First of all, I'm proud to say that I was able to walk out from my past relationship, to not linger in that place I call pain and suffer. I was so happy when I took the first time away from those time, and was glad that I even grew up into a more confident and happier person. I felt appreciated again, I felt the warmth of my friends. I feel like I can rule the world, I can manage this life for sure.

But still, just as I thought things were going great, I failed to recognize that insecurity inside of me still exist. As I grew confident, or so I thought I had, I climbed higher. I know I am going to fall hard if things didn't go well, but it didn't stop me, I was going full steam ahead.

Right now, things are getting shaky, and to be honest, as much as I didn't want to say this, I felt neglected. We had magic, it really did, I can sense that spark in you, but alas, I wasn't there to ignite that spark. You don't really say it, you even dismiss the facts as well. And frankly, I dismissed that too. I've been doing nothing.

All I have been doing, is pretend.

I pretended that I am confident, I pretended that I am happy and perky all the time, I pretended that I don't really have any sorrow at all. Noone could read my mind, no one can see through my eyes, no one, could have even reached that deep inside my heart. I used to leave it open, but now, I found out, that it's really hard for me to open up. Slowly, I'm closing up the doorway to my heart again. I pretended to be something else when I'm actually feeling what I felt at that time.

I didn't want my friends to be affected by my sorrow.

Maybe at that instant, when I spent time with my friends, I was happy, because that was the moment I didn't think of it. But still, when I'm all alone, when I turn off the lights, I realize, I have nothing at all. That great sense of insecurity overwhelms me yet again. And all I could do is frown upon myself.

I don't get it, why do I keep myself so down when I'm alone? Is it because this time I've given even more of myself? Is it because that I thought things are and will be going well? Is it because I've been avoiding the fact that it will end of in disaster? Is it because I've been lying to myself all this time? Is it because I'd make a big gamble bound to fail?

Have I been hiding myself too much? Behind those sexy pose that I make in front of the camera, did I conceal my sorrow very well? Behind the vanity that I shown so much this far, did I leave out that raw part of me? I choose to be that way, because indirectly and directly, I wanted to hide.

I wanted to hide my insecurity, I wanted to hide my fear, I wanted to hide my exhausted body, I wanted to hide my shyness, I wanted to hide almost everything bad about me, just to make sure all my friends see are good things about me.

I'm letting myself cry over it. But then again, I am about to leave this place again. Hopefully when I venture back to this place, I will continue this little post about my inner world.

Till then. I'm going to put on my clothes again. The show continues.

Sunny skies, sandy beaches, gentle waves.

2010-07-06T16:31:00.002+08:00

Sunny skies, sandy beaches, gentle waves. That's what I really wish to be in now. To be able to sit under the warm gentle sun, to be able to listen to the gentle waves slowly beating onto the sandy shore. To listen to the seagulls softly whispering with each other, to be able to listen to the coconut trees leafs rattle and battle softly upon the soft and cooling breeze, to feel calm, tranquil and no worries. The swaying of the coconut trees, the soft Caribbean music playing me into a relaxed slumber.

Let's step into my inner world....

The hustle and bustle of city streets, the constant darkness I be in when I have noone around. The temptations, the horrors. The untrustables, the distance between friendships. The emotional breakdowns. The ballads that I always listen, rings so strongly inside myself. How I wish you knew, that how much I need you. I feel like running away, towards that sunny beach that I crave for, but I can't abandoned you. You avoid my gaze, withdraw from me these days, you punished me for trying to be what you wanted.

What more can I do?

In order to please you, I abandoned myself.

Yet slowly....

I'm walking away from this chaotic city life, and retreated myself to the sunny beaches that I aspire to go so much. I'm starting to strip myself again, showing that bare, and true self. Slowly, I realized the scars that I once had. I dismissed them.

As I walk towards serenity within myself, I find that, I brought you along into my serenity.

You appeared in both my chaotic and serene world. I guess, I am still very in love with you.

我很矛盾。

Sandakan Updates vid! Woots!! :DDD

2010-07-06T12:03:00.001+08:00

Here it is guys! The 6th video blog! This time is about the trip back to Sandakan, and Pockys???

Trip down memory lane

2010-06-05T22:23:00.003+08:00

I never enjoyed my junior life. It was horrible. The constant suffocation I suffered. It would be a shock for everyone, to know that I am not what you know right now, 6 years ago. Bad things just constantly pop up, I was pessimistic, seldom took part in any events, I was bullied a lot, I have no self-confidence what so ever, I was gloomy, and I was used, all the time. I even came to the point where I went suicidal. A lot of things bruised me. The trust that I gave shattered. The friends I lost because of it. The broke down I get, and only a few witness when I totally broke down and cry. I was soiled. I felt ashamed of it. I loathed the junior me.

Then came senior life.

And it was the breakthrough period in my life. The first day of Senior 1, before I stepped into the classroom, I told myself that I have to shed that old skin of mine, I have to be more optimistic, I have to find the confidence in me. And I have. Friends around me started to notice the change in me. And I continued my metamorphosis throughout the 3 years. I started to gain confidence that I never thought I would one day behold. I became a more cheerful, witty, humorous, optimistic person. I started to work center stage, gained speaking skills, and was even given the chance to shine during my last year in secondary school. I lead an orchestra of more than 100 people. I was finally able to say that I am enjoying my secondary school life, loud and proud, with success, friends that I can entrust my life on, and a whole bunch of great teachers as friends.

Life moves on, and finally, I graduated.

My soul search continues, I continued to explore myself, and constantly look back and see how much I have grew up. I realize, all the suffering I had, all the emotional break downs, all the bruise that I received, all the lost that I gained, causes me to become a stronger person. Believe me, not everyone can pull through all the hardship, and if they can make it, they will be so much stronger and better. And right now, I am a fighter!

For you out there who once harmed me, I shall not despise you, in fact I want to thank you, for making me a better, wiser, stronger person. For those who can relate to this, keep pushing on, there's always light at the other end of this long, dark and cold tunnel.

More to come.. :)

Video blogs! :D

2010-06-03T18:20:00.003+08:00

Yes people! I finally did it! Yes Kenneth! I finally did it! haha! Video blogs! Enjoy! :)

1st video blog

2nd video blog

Happy Birthday Stella :D

3rd video blog(Sunny Sunday Singapore Outing~)

4th video blog (Crazy webcaming moments!)

5th video blog (SPCO concert pics)

Singapore life, MST, and what's going on inside...

2010-06-03T17:48:00.005+08:00

hey there! Time for another update! As you all know, I'm in Singapore now, it's a great place to be. With great transportation system, great food, great friends to hang around, but deep down inside, Sandakan is still the best place for me :) With better food and better friends to pour out my soul :)

I can't believe I didn't blog for nearly a month! So what's up? Well....... I've finally started to make video blogs! Wow! Shocking eh? Been wanting to make it months ago. So yea, finally had the balls to do it. I've posted them in my facebook profile. I'll get them into my blogger page soon :D

Yes! Chinese orchestra concert is finally over! Pics available in my video blog and facebook :D (I'm such a lazy bitch xD)

SO! MST's coming! (Mid Semester Test). And I'm totally procrastinating over here. Don't feel like studying at all! And when I'm doing tutorial questions, I'll totally go WTFBBQ!

And don't forget!!!!! Christina Aguilera's new album will be out soon! Aka Bionic! 8th June! OMG!!!! CAN'T WAIT!!!

And now... a little peep into my soul...

I shall reveal it in my next post!! xP

Inside the MRT...在巴士里。。。

2010-05-09T19:15:00.004+08:00

Inside the MRT, inside the bus... I took the time to understand myself even more, and also to think of what I want in my future. I found out, that this time, even if I am in love again, but I feel totally different, it's like a brand new, better me, and I am totally crazy for it. I realize, this is the first time I let myself love someone so deep, I've taken things even more seriously than before, and that, I realize, this is the relationship that I have been looking. And because of that, I've became somewhat "annoying". It brought out that romantic side of me. It brought out that dedicated side of me. It brought out my fun and loving side even more. It was a beautiful process. It made me feel wholesome. And I dare say, I'm ready. The things left for me to do, is to be

patient, and not to be so "full" of me first, cause I gotta save all my love when things goes steady. Right now, I just wanna be as positive as possible. Learn to love myself more before loving someone else, and try to be more in control as not to be so annoying. =)

You are always in my heart :)

在快铁里，在巴士里。。我拿了一些时间来更了解自己，而且也在思考。我发觉这次，虽然我恋爱了，可是我感觉自己蜕变成一个更好更新的我。我也发觉，这是我第一次爱一个人爱得那么深，我对这份爱看待得更认真，因为这就是我要的完美感情（relationship）。因为这样，我也成为了一个好像很”麻烦／多事“的人。这份爱，把我浪漫、纯真、更好玩及更关爱的一面都显示出来了。这是一个美丽的蜕变。他令我感到更完整。我也敢说，我准备好了。现在我需做的，就是要耐心、也不要把我的所有先”显“出来，因为必须保存下来，当所有事情稳定下来了才给他我的所有。我现在也要正面地看待东西。我要爱自己，才可以爱他更多。哦！也要学习自我控制。哈哈～

我爱你！（完）

我脑子里在想啥～？

2010-05-09T19:10:00.003+08:00

就那么巧合，遇见了你。在某个场合结束后，思念着你。假期时，告诉了你我对你有感觉。运动会，完全没有看彼此。开学了，几乎每天陪着你。来新加坡前一天，把所有时间献给你。来到新加坡后，放下了他。放下他后，默默地等你。默默等待的同时，发觉只是在想你。别人一眼都不看。这时发现，我很爱你了。无时无刻都渴望能回家乡。疯狂的思念中，也掉了很多泪。不停地告诉自己要坚持下去。曾经使用饥饿的方式折磨自己。很常呆呆地看你在面子书线上，或呆呆地等你上MSN。能看你上线已经很满足了。我不找你，因为你说希望我能以朋友的方式对待你，不想太过火，宁愿等你来找我，所以才这么做。当你在MSN找我，或在面子书上留言，我感觉像在飞天！整个傻佬一样，跳来跳去。第二天在学校都会笑容灿烂。我会吃醋，是因为我不能在你身边。我也在慢慢学习不要那么会吃醋啦～你告诉我你还有东西还没解决，我就慢慢等你，让你完全解决那回事。你说还没准备心情，还是老话，我会等你调整好心情。你就安心的解决吧！我在这里不会放弃的！你要加油！我也要加油！

A special dedication, to a special friend

2010-05-06T06:46:00.002+08:00

To that special friend, that I've known for my whole life.

You were always the figure of cheerfulness, in front of people you never showed sorrow and even if you are shedding tears, they are tears of happiness. From young we were good friends, you seen me grow up, in a lot of ways, you might even seen me crash and burn before. Whatever the things that happened, you witness most of them.

Recent years, things worsen. And I have never seen such turbulence. I never really imagined that things would have a such a sudden twist. From that moment when you told me things had changed, my heart has nothing but grief for you.

You've always been so strong, and I've never seen you shed tears about it, instead, you seen me shed a lot of tears because of it. I may never understand how you felt, until I myself gets involved in the same problem, which I, and everyone else would wish not to ever happen.

I will not tell you to accept your family, it may be your duty, it may be your responsibility as the eldest son, but I will still not say such words to you, for you have suffered, and you deserve to have your freedom; I will not say that you can't live without the shop, for you are capable of other greater things than just spraining and sweating your life out; I will not ever, ever tell you to accept that woman, who has ruined everything- a beautiful family, a beautiful parental and child relationship, a beautiful place to stay, a beautiful and secure future, for you have the rights not to accept her. But I will tell you this, which you might have already realize.

Bear with it

Simple as that, but difficult to do. It's hard, but you still have to do it.

I feel really bad for not being able to be back over home to help you out, if you have no ride back home, heck I'll drive all the way to the airport; no time for gym? I'll get you up at 6am just for it. Need a ride to school? Just call me up!

You will never walk this life alone, for you have us, your friends. Be it whether they are your new ones, or old ones. Whether they are now in the same place as you are, or across the ocean, sitting helplessly in front of the computer whilst listening to you suffer.

Be strong, and pray for a better future, that's what we all can do right now.

ps: Now my macbook has tears! haha

A little song suggestion. "I will be" and "Lift me up" by Christina Aguilera. Good listen to it, you'll love it, especially when you're in this situation. Good luck! Friend.

Special post

2010-05-03T21:36:00.002+08:00

It's that time again, I wanna speak out, how much I appreciate . I appreciate my parents for giving me life and nourishing me.

I miss miss making Tzy Tyng laugh, miss watching Stella Ng turned on and laughing her ass off at almost anything, miss Su Tien for pointing at things and LOL at them, miss Simon Chong for his wittiness, and his Perdana ( :P ), miss Phui's reaction whenever I said her butt is big, miss the time Kai Lun and I spent in the classroom, when Jordan is always the rational one, Sheldon being the opposite (not always). I miss Connie Chin, my precious and cute daughter, I miss San Teck, even though he teases me a lot. I miss Jie How, Yan Hong, Yu Ze, Mui Yee, Wei Wei, and the rest of S3A2009 and S2A2008. Don't forget the tiger brand washing board CEO, Cheung heye :D

I also wanna thank my juniors, Jnam, Ly Heng, Horng Seng, Fenny, Jia Zhi, "tan xin qi", Sue Lin Tan. haha~ you guys were great helpers and friends to be with. I'm glad to see you guys grow up too. The leaders of the student body you guys are now =) and Ly Heng, Jnam and Sue Lim, it's Jaguar! not cucumber!! ROAR

To the senior 2s, mainly Janelle, Joselyne, Joseline (viang), Tj Lim, Gordon, Ka Wai, Kenny Lim, the couple (yes! you 2 -.-) , Ok Yap, Yap khong wai? , etc. You guys are truly amazing. Never really thought I would be so friend with you guys. It was just all fun with you guys, and also, not to forget the advice i gave you all. Those moments were just priceless =)

To the senior 1s, and of course, you guys are the closest to me, and it's true. Cause mostly you guys are from Chinese Orchestra. Reynold, Danny, Jun, See Jie, Beverly, Wong yen Li, Liau Kai Shi, you guys surely didn't let me down, and I still wanna apologize to you guys if I didn't do a great job as your president and conductor. And to Aaron, it was the greatest pleasure to have ever known you. You surely made the gan bu camp even more exciting! Thank you so much. Ah Sum, and Herlyne, welcome to the bunch too. I'm just glad there wasn't any generation gap between me and you guys. I appreciate that. And I can't wait to get back to Sandakan too.

Let's not forget those like Avelin, MeiTze, Bernice, and Robert. I may not talk to you guys that much anymore, but you guys are well aware, I have a large capacity in my heart. Even if I have half of my heart to the person I love, the rest I still have space for you guys

A special special special special thanks to Jade Chin and Jamie Gan. You 2 are my supporting rocks when I needed support the most, especially when things seem so vulnerable and sensitive to me right now in great city Singapore. Jade, my primary and secondary school mate, it was a total blessing for you to tell that you'll be in the same school as I am! Jamie, you are the blessing that came along with the previous blessing. You 2 totally makes me feel home. All the things we gone through felt like we knew other for ages, yet, it's just only week 3 of school! Brace yourself for more turbulence girls, as we are going to enter an even more bumby ride straight ahead. I will not know what will happen in the future, whether one day some offer letter comes or whatever. For now, appreciate the time we have. The webcam whoring we had, the tears you seen me shed, the hyped up moment and gay dancing we had, all these moments, appreciate it.

DME/FT/1A/01 classmates! Won't forget you guys too~ Brandon, Aaron, Ryan, Dain, Saiful, Yee Chung, Jin Yu, Shawn, Faris, Jie An, etc. Haha!

last but not least........

I FCKING MISS DRIVING!! :DDDD

Singapore Updates 1

2010-05-03T14:35:00.000+08:00

Blue blue blue blue blue~ I'm so down in the blues :)

Yea, Simon, I hear you and here's my update for today.

*Puts on earpiece and listening to "Not Myself Tonight" while head banging in school canteen*

Speaking of school, I am finally opening up about it. And I'm gonna break them down into Q&A sort of shits for you guys :D

Q: Where are you?

A: I'm currently in Singapore Polytechnic, population, unknown haha!

Q: What course I'm in?

A: Mechanical Engineering.

Q: So, how's life over there in Singapore.

A: So far so good, I've been to Singapore a few times so basically I've gotten used to it here. Transportation is superb, extremely safe environment, not even scared of wandering out at night, even though I don't. Lots of laws and rules to obey, which is good. How about yours? :D

Q: Made any new friends there?

A: Who do you think I am? I'm Anson for goodness sake, of course I made friends, but not as close as those who grew up with me :) Except for Jade and Jamie, the 2 sabah girls :)

And as for CCA? I got into Singapore Polytechnic Chinese Orchestra! Was told to attend practice the same day I signed up for it. And was then offered to join the concert that's being held on the 30th of May! Talk about lucky! :D

Took lots and lots and lots of picture while I'm in Singapore, to drop by my facebook profile. What just this link here :)

http://www.facebook.com/ansonljh

For now, even I am in my blog, I still don't want to open up anything about my love life, even if I am kinda depressed about it lately, but oh well, what the heck =)

ps: Sorry for not replying so much :) Love ya!

Lol snap snap!

2010-03-07T22:05:00.004+08:00

Lol~ Snap snap alright? Why? Cause I suddenly got the inspiration to say

FUCK YOU :)

Fuck you so so much, heh heh, now that felt better didn't it? Fuck you for leaving me suddenly ^.^

But hey, I sound just like a sore loser to you right now, oh well :) Maybe I am, why? Cause I sometimes still curl up and wilt when I thought of the things we done together, and all the promises, all the dirty moments we spent, well, gone, poof :P

I finally dare to open up, of how much I wanna kill you right now, but of course, let you explain your wrong doings, but oh well, that's just not how I work I guess. 2nd chance? We'll see how you behave, if, of course provided that you are still alive.

*evil laughs*

Nah, who am I kidding? The past is the past... Right? I am happier now that I know there's still hope else where, and not linger here knowing that there's not gonna be a "legendary" return :D

So, to end this short hate post, I still wanna say

FUCK YOU :)

You're lucky I colored the last "FUCK YOU :)" purple. Cause purple is are my fav colour :D

Title-less?

2010-03-07T21:46:00.002+08:00

Heck! Finally! The line is back! Was it gone before this? NOT REALLY! It's just the fact that there are OTHER people using the line, so I was being nice by letting them use the line until there's noone using, which is precisely at night!

But at night I'll be so tired and lazy to blog/facebook/online/youtube/maple because of work. I just get home from work, drag myself upstairs and fall on the bed with a thud.

How was CNY you ask? Great, fine, dandy, and not to mention cold. Why? I was in CHINA~!

Pics available in my Facebook, go check it out!

So anyway, I think it's time for me to update again. Not really gonna go through what's going on around me, cause frankly speaking, NOT much? Life still goes on, work work work, tuition tuition tuition, and then work work work again. Oh, I NEED TO GO BACK TO GYM dammit! Why? Cause I didn't go gym for 4 weeks! SH*T!

Hmmmmmm.. It's been awhile since I unleashed my talkative inner self. And lately, I "accidentally" unleashed it, in front of my DAD! Because I was joking and chatting and blabbering non stop for 2 hours, between every dish, my mouth did not stop.

My dad was like " Hey honey! I think there's something wrong with our son!"

"Goodness I've never since him like this in my life!"

AND DON'T FORGET

"Anson, I think it's gonna be a waste if you don't become a lawyer!"

My reply?

"Well, you don't want me to be a lawyer, cause if you show any possible threat, I shall sue you! :D"

"Damn, you suck son!"

Now into the emo side of the story...

I'm feeling dark again.. Sigh right? Suddenly.... don't know what to blog about.... hmmm..

"WOULD YOU LIFT ME UP?"

Happy Chinese New Year!

2010-02-13T23:03:00.002+08:00

As much as I would love to scream crazily in front of the camera, but i can't. And I'm forced to make this a short one.

Happy Chinese New Year to everyone, my friends, my family, my loved ones, there's just so many I can't name them all. I love you guys!

I'll be in Shanghai and other parts of China for Chinese New Year, cheers!

<3

Crazy for....

2010-02-07T18:05:00.001+08:00

"You spin my head right round right round, when you go down when you go down down" :D

Woooo, goodness, there's a few things that's making me to die for, totally totally causing me to go fanatic towards it. I'm absolutely going gaga over it!

Someone, help me!! I want it every single night. And that sensation is burning inside me if I don't get it.

It's better than drugs, better than cigarette, better than sex, better than youtube, better than working out, better than Tao Kae Noi seaweed, and, you can do it over and over and over and over again they are wiped out from the face of the Earth.

Goodness, Im going crazy for..

ORANGES!

What were you thinking? :P

Updates updates!

2010-02-01T22:59:00.001+08:00

Wow! It's February already?! It's just like yesterday I saw calender and it's 31st of Jan...

Wait a minute...

Anyway! Updates, updates, updates... ................

UPDATES!

Birthday passed, bla bla bla, I'm 18, bla bla bla, finally.. bla bla bla, had sex, bla bla bla, just a joke you dumbass. Lol :D

What I've been up to lately? Um, work? Work? WORK? Other than that, giving tuition class to kiddos, form 1~form 5. I is are teaches England :D

And maths...

and somehow.. reluctantly, science.....

LOLROFLLMFAO

And gym, just as my dad quote-

"Get yourself prepared, physically and mentally, for Singapore"

Speaking of Singapore, people have been asking me what are my future plans, I don't give a shit okay?

Nah just joking, I applied for NUS and NTU, outcome of the result would be expected by early March. If I DO get into one of the schools, it'll start at August.

Hell yea, Singapore, watch out laidehs! Anson's gonna come out and play :D

Speaking of coming out and play, mommy dearest totally banned me from visiting Faces and any other place similiar to Faces.

HOLD IT!

Are there any pubs similar to Faces in Sandakan? Well... You be the judge..

Duh... likely NO?

In case of you who doesn't know what Faces is, it's a Bar and Discotheque recently opened in Mile 4, well it enetered it 3rd month of opening, good show.

Other than that, been mapling like a geek as well.

*DIE MUSHROOMSSS!!! DIIIIEEE!!!*

And lastly, Chinese New Year is coming! WTFBBQ?! Early greetings for you guys, I'll be in Shanghai and a few places for CNY.

Later :P

ps: I wanna like, do Video Logs, what do you think? Leave a comment at the C-Box at the right of the blog. Hearts <3

Wonder

2010-01-13T21:20:00.001+08:00

The world seems so cold
When I face so much all alone
A little scared to move on
And knowing how fast I have grown

And I wonder just where I fit in
Oh the vision of life in my head
Oh yes

I will be
Strong on my own
I will see through the rain
I will find my way
I will keep on
Traveling this road
Till I finally reach my dream
Till I'm living, and I'm breathing

My destiny
I can't let go now
Even when darkness surrounds
But if I hold on
I will show the world
All the things that you never expected to see
From little old me

And I wonder just where my place is
Close my eyes and I remind myself this

I will be
Strong on my own
I will see through the rain
I will find my way
I will keep on
Traveling this road
Till I finally reach my dream
Till I'm living, and I'm breathing

My destiny

It comforts me
It keeps me
Alive each day of my life
Always guiding me
Providing me
With the hope I desperately need

Hah... Lyrics from a really really nice song that I've been listening to the whole day, called "I Will Be" by Christina Aguilera, please check it out, in youtube.

Reason I love this song. Well, firstly it's done by Christina Aguilera, I'm a die hard fan.

And yea, sometimes, I tend to make myself depressed... old habit never die, heh heh.

Just wanna share this song with you guys, actually there's a whole new story beind the lyrics that I wanna share, so yea... one day I'll blog about it.

Happy New Year 2010!

2010-01-01T13:31:00.002+08:00

Happy New Year! :D

Life as it has been... that's all, 2009

2009-12-31T14:00:00.004+08:00

Christina Aguilera's - Keep On Singin' My Song

"I woke up this morning with a smile on my face
& Nobody's gonna bring me down today
Been feeling like nothings been going my way lately
I decided right here and now that my outlooks gotta change
That's why I'm gonna
Say goodbye to all the tears I've cried
Everytime somebody hurt my pride
Feeling like they won't let me live life
Take the time to look at what is mine"

Yes, it's finally 31st of Dec 2009, the day that marks the end of a complicated year, with up and downs, happiness and sorrows, peacefulness and quarrels. Just like the song said, nothing has been going my way lately, and, tomorrow will be 2010, I will change my outlook, for the better or for the worse. Saying goodbye to the tears that I've cried, even though, in the end, I've got nothing back from it, not even a single pity from the people that I once said "I love you" to. But I know, things have changed, and all this shenanigan has caused so much turbulent in life, and it has also, made me stronger.

"I see every lesson completely
I thank God for what I got from above
I believe they can take anything from me
But they can't succeed in taking my inner peace

They can say all they wanna say about me

But I'm gonna carry on
I'mma Keep on singing my song"

Yes, and I will, keep on singing my song, gonna keep carrying on life, whether it's good, or bad. Imma gonna keep on singing my song, through hard times, whether I'm all alone on the pathway of life, or whether I have companionship of friends, I will, keep on singing my song.

"I believe that they can do what they wanna.
Say what they wanna say

(They can say what they wanna)

But I'm gonna keep on
(Keep on )
I believe it
That they can take from me
But they can't take my inner peace

Say what you wanna say, but I'm gonna sing my song"

And that concludes the little peek into my current turbulent world, let the song speak for me.

ps: You can listen to the whole song in this blog, or in youtube or whatever that you search songs with.

But of course, that's not everything I wanted to blog about, before 2010 comes knocking on our door.

I started to welcome love back into my life. Despite all the previous mishap that happened, despite all the tears I shed, I am very certain, all of it won't come back. So why bother, and why stay back in the past. 2010 signifies a new beginning, I will, I must start all over again.

I must learn to forgive, I must learn to accept, I must learn, to love not only others, but myself.

And I do hope, 2010 brings good news, like for example acceptance into the University I applied to in Singapore, no matter what, I must get into Singapore next year, I wanna leave this place, and leave it to change. Maybe one day, when I get back, I will see a different, better side of this place I call home.

Singapore, oh Singapore, how I wish I am there right now, the people, the scenery, the environment, the convenience, fascinates me.

To everyone else, I wish you all the best in 2010. We are all uncertain about the future, may everything turn out right, cause you know what, I DEFINITELY hope everything goes the way I hope it to be.

I guess it'll be suicidal if I couldn't get into Singapore, couldn't get the things I wanted and such, becareful :P

To my friends, thank you for accompanying me in walking through this 6 years in secondary school life. It's not easy, I know, it's long too. 6 years have finally gone by, and I could think of is

"WOW"

We gone through alot, we laughed, cried, worked our ass off for exams, and we played violently is crazy.

Stella, Tzy Tyng, Su Tien, Simon and Connie. You guys were so close to me this whole year, you guys were so totally my backbone, supporting me when things weren't going right, seeing me curl up and die, and revive once again. I weep, because none of you will be in Singapore with me, except for Su Tien, that is :P (And of course, if I could even manage to get into Singapore)

You guys are leaving for KL, and I will be so empty these few months... Waiting.. to be accepted into Singapore. Oh well..

Still, thank you!

May your future shine brightly. Happy New Year! Cheers :)

ps: More to come, stay tuned.

Singapore Trip!

2009-12-17T11:09:00.008+08:00

Yesh! Singapore trip was great! Eventhough there weren't that much shopping like the one in KL trip, but at least we got to visit Universities, Colleges, places of interest in Singapore such as Jurong Bird Park, Night Safari, Singapore Zoo, Merlion, Sentosa etc.

Photo taken in the MRT

We even visited universities like SMU, NUS and NTU. And I went over to Singapore Polytechnic to take a look-see since my cousin and friend is there.

NUS staircase and study room

Me in NTU admission office

Tzy Tyng posing in La Salle - College of Arts

More pics in my facebook :P

Hooo whee! I even meet up with my cousin, Gwen and her bro, uber excited about it. But alas, we grew distanced, and we weren't really that talkative as before, but deep down I know we're still closely bonded :)

Meet up with my sis too, of course :P And also Ting Feng~ Hahaha

Overall, the whole Singapore Trip was great. Not as much shopping as the KL trip, but there were more sight seeing, which turns out to be quite fun, well for me, that is. And we even get to visit universities and colleges too, because that is the main objective of going to Singapore in the first place.

Updates, finally.

2009-12-14T12:44:00.004+08:00

Yes, finally, I'm here to update, the ups and downs, and happiness and sorrows, the inner thoughts and pictures! :D

Graduation

Yea, UEC is like totally over, and the thing that we're anxious about is of course, GRADUATION! Preperations and rehearsals were made. Tears were shed and smile were shown. After 6 years, we're about to leave secondary school and leap into a whole new world of University/College life.

Some may even start working, whatever the future may bring, wish you all the best!

For more photos of Graduation Day, please visit my facebook profile @ http://www.facebook.com/reqs.php#/album.php?aid=126352&id=843445998

Graduation Dinner/Appreciation Dinner

It wasn't as fun as I thought it would be. And I don't really have anything to mention about the dinner. Overall, the food was great and that's it

Pictures available in my facebook profile "Appreciation Dinner 2009"

Graduation Trip 2009

Dear oh dear, do I have lots to talk about this trip.... but some juicy details shall be discrete.

Connie, Wei Wei, Tzy Tyng, Stella, Su Tien, Avelin Han, Jia Yi, Elizabeth, Jordan, Sheldon, Alex, Yu Ze, Heng Jian, Jie How, Young Kee, San Teck, Simon and I were those who went to KL together on the 22nd of Nov. We were all excited of course, I couldn't sleep well for few nights before the trip itself. It was fun, real fun.

We went shopping most of the time, not much of a together thing, until... we reached... GENTING HIGHLANDS!! :D

Corkscrew, flying coaster, some thing that plunges to the group from the air and stuffs. Great fun, just what we needed to release all those tension we got in school and UEC. It's over, all is over.

Overall, this graduation was great fun, but, there were unwanted disturbance in peace and it's just a whole part spoiler :D

And, after this trip, we've seen some changes, and I think it'll be permanent ^.^

Cheers!

ps: Sry for being so brief, I wanna rush to the next post, which is more recent, so I can type more about it :3

250th Entry

2009-10-29T00:00:00.002+08:00

Click on the video! Click it~ And listen to the end :D

Saving this post for a special someone, a very close friend of mine.

*drum rolls*

Kenny Chang!

It's your birthday Kenny! Best of all, it's you're 16th birthday!

I still remember the first time I meet you, you were just, well, quite a little kid, a shy one in fact. All you do is wrap your head in your arms and sleep. But still, you would greet with a smile on your face, most of the time :D

You looked kinda distorted... Sry for the bad quality of my phone back then xP

And guess what? The moment Avelin and I see you, we both keep saying you're the cutest thing ever xD

Soon, you grew up, and I watched you grew up. Our friendship grew with it as well.

After all the crazy months, it's finally the time for you to shed your 15 year old skin and grow into a 16 year old.

That's.... so... touching... T_T (lol)

But no matter how old you looked, you'll still be everyone's cute little Kenny, right Avelin? :D

"oops? Really? Thanks :D"

Happy Birthday Dude! Smile always :)

Total knock out!

2009-10-26T18:52:00.003+08:00

You're a total knock out!!

I giggle everytime I think of you, gosh, I feel so hot and sweaty everytime I think about you in bed... hehe...

Whenever I'm emo... and noone there's to cheer me up, just thinking of you, makes my heart bloom into brightness...

Whenever I'm lonely, I'll picture you by my side... hehe..

When I feel left out and being ignored , the thought of you reaching for me makes me feel confident and comfortable, even, if you sometime ignore me too..

I enjoy sitting in the corner looking at you, you may not notice, which is good... too...

It's fun watching you, nasty thoughts start appearing in my head.. keke..

I want.. a taste of you... But it's like trying to go to Moon and breathe their without any oxygen tank... if you didn't get that, it means, it's I-M-P-O-S-S-I-B-L-E.

But it's still the greatest being able to see you by my side, being able to hear your voice, being able to think about you, it's more than enough.

I won't get to hold you. I won't even give myself a chance to hold you, it's my last few months to be around you, but I know, it's impossible. But I'm still smiling at every moment being with you.

And here, I recite what I feel right now..

I am willing to the dishes every night
Just to look up into the night skies,
and look at the moon.

The shape of the moon,
shapes like your smile.
Whether it's cresent or half moon.
But I won't let you know,
what the full moon makes me think of,

YOU

But it rained these few nights..
I was just able to take a glimpse of you.
It's like the skies above know what's right..
Because I'm just alowed to take a peek of you.

No matter, I think that's more than enough.

Now... let's CAN CAN!!! :D

caution: Overly obsessed to the song 'Infernal Gallop', which happens to be the song where the women dance can can to. Don't know what's can can? Youtube it! xD

Over and out.

Muscial Montage!

2009-10-21T18:56:00.002+08:00

Oh no, oh no! I feel like a musical montage coming! :O

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeea!!!

(Do your thing honey!)

I could feel it from the start!
Couldn't stand to be apart!
Something bout you caught my eye!
Something moved me deep insideee~

Oh!

You got what I want **** and I want it! :D
And I've been hooked ever since!!

Told mother, my brother my sister and my friend!
Told the others, my lovers, both past and present tense,
That everytime I see you, everything that's making seennseeee!!!!

Lol that was bunch of fun! :D

HOLD ON!

It's tomorrow, it's tomorrow! Finally it's coming! The magnificent, mysterious, well-feared

*drum rolls*

UEC!

*Applause and gasp*

All those preparations, all those hard work, all those tear jerking moments, all those time gone by! This is it, the D-day, the moment of truth, the 8 days of grueling judgement!

But after that.

FREEDOM

from the secondary school life!!!

I'll leave all the happiness and screams after my UEC is done, and when graduation comes.. it'll be the most... :P

ps: YOU SUCK!! :D

I love YOU! :D

Sorry, I sweared.

2009-10-16T18:24:00.002+08:00

It may be the most uncool thing, ever. And I know Jordan don't swear anymore, but hey, what's the harm in swearing those stress out? I'm very sure people is going to tell me that there's far better ways to release stress, hmmm, I know but hey..

FUCK YOU! :D

Lol, I just lol-ed in real life typing that. See, it's fun. Don't think I'm mentally disordered. I think I'm perfectly fine.

Now...

FUCK YOU! Seriously, I hate you! :D All you do is criticize others, but don't you know you are the most annoying person I meet so far, and I was SO dumb believing in you! You suck~ You really really really really suck! :D You douchebag!

Hmmm... I don't know what else to swear, besides, it's an imaginative individual.. Although, there are somethings that I really mean it :P

That felt great, back to studies~

....

2009-10-16T17:05:00.003+08:00

It's coming alright, UEC that's it, I think I'll go brief and simple in this post, everything I typed seemed so... so.. Emo and Deep, and now, in this period, I think, even the simpliest word would make me sound like an emo-Fuck..

I wanna get away from this mess.. Ugh, I desire... to be let go... Wanna try something new, wanna get serious and get matters straighten up.. But it's definitely, not now... not now...

6 days to go man, gotta be patient...

Damn, what am I saying, that felt, random, unorganized and just, plain rubbish. Or is it?

I've gain weight... please oh please don't say anything about it, I know what I should do, so please? Lay down on the criticism okay? I don't want to hear another word about it..

Sigh... I feel so... not 'me' these few months... I know, I should be studying instead of blogging here; I know I should be plunging myself into the sea of chemical equations, biological terms, physics formula and mathematical problems, oh don't forget english grammars, chinese literature and malay idioms, I just, want to take a break for awhile..

I know I shouldn't feel like this, my heart... is pounding so quickly again when I thought of you.. I haven't got this feeling for months.. and, with D-day approaching, I must.... resist it.

Everytime you don't reply my messages, it feels like it's the end of the world... Everytime I think about you, it felt like life just got perfect in any way.. I love you, so much.

Gah, still felt like I've been speaking rubbish throughout this post.. I'm sorry :(

p/s: I'm in love~ :D and UEC is coming in 6 days D:

Cravings for being appreciated

2009-10-09T21:03:00.002+08:00

What do I crave for the most, the moment I took on learning yang qin, is appreciation, and also, acceptance..

Because.. So far.. All I get, especially at home, is

"So noisy"

Gee, I wonder how much that hurt me, but still, I swallowed it whole, and have been doing it for almost 3 years now...

Suddenly, it all burst, and, I broke a string during my rampage...

It's like, the only place where I could feel the love is when I play it all alone at home, all alone in school, and with my yang qin friends.. It's just, so hard to find people to appreciate the things I do, all I could say is...

Under appreciated

This post, may sound selfish and self-centered, it's like, I'm not standing in the angle of others and think. I do, and I did. It's just, I've been such a nice person for so long, and I just couldn't take it anymore.

And this goes out to everyone who feels the same as I am, no matter what field we are in, I feel you.

It's stormy...

2009-09-20T22:42:00.002+08:00

The weather has been unpredictable, and so is my emotion. The constant stress and pressure, pulls me like a rope, about to snap in a blink of an eye.

It snapped, finally, and I went on a rampage, I'm screaming right now, can't you leave me alone?

Do I belong to this circle of friends, what is my purpose, to live?

What if I'm in love again, I still have to straighten everything, UEC is coming, and the family is counting on me, life, gradually depends on it.

I'm craving acceptance, in your heart, it hurts to see the distance I force myself to make between us, for there is no way we are to be together. It was, again, unorthodox.

Blame it on me, I admit. For being so careless and let cupid aim at you. Hope he removes his love arrow soon. It's unbearable.

I'm wished to be stripped, and I wish to be seen naked, revealing my thoughts to everyone who lay their hands upon it.

It has been a crazy month!

2009-09-20T22:06:00.002+08:00

Wow! What a crazy month! Birthdays, school, friends, tuition, school, more school stuffs, driving practice with dad, it's just so many to talk about.

The emotional flush I'm undergoing, the stress I'm suffering from, 33 days to UEC dudes!!

It's always like that, last year SPM, this year UEC... :P

What to blog, what to blog...hmmm....

I don't know >< All I could blog is about my inner self right now, but still, I'll leave that for the next post, still have to update about life xD

Hmmmmm....

kenneth and kenny's little sweet home

2009-08-08T18:03:00.003+08:00

What a sweet place to be. In a place that Kenneth and Kenny share, called home. To see, they're little sister, walking around with little toys, to see, Kenny hugging his little sister on his lap, to see their mother, busy as ever, the never ending cleaning up, singing together with the TV theme song.

This is what I call sweet. As I observe Kenny and his little sister playing, I can't help wondering, what have I been missing? At home, especially, the total loneliness, the segregation, the quietness.

GAH! It's unbearable!

ps: Thanks Kenneth for lending me your computer to blog. And Kenny, aren't you a shy kid, putting on your clothes the minute you see me! xD

Praise and 'Praise'

2009-08-07T10:47:00.005+08:00

We should, sometimes, sit down, and appreciate the passing moments in our life. To praise, to love, to appreciate.

I praise the CDs around me, keeping me company when noone's home.

I praise my phone, for connecting my friends and I.

I praise hotmail, for doing a such wonderful job, for too, it has connect my friends from the other side of the world, as well as some locally.

I praise my grandmother, for always being such a nag, but still, never fail to show me her kindness.

I praise my mother, for being a younger version of my grandmother, a fierce nag, and still, never fail to show me how much she loves me. Not to mention the food she makes! :D

I praise my father, the economical support of our family. Though he's not at home most of the time, still, I never blamed him.

I praise my sister, for being such a great support, even when she's in Singapore. And I, apologize, for giving cold shoulders whenever you're around.

I praise my classmates. For being there with me when there's highs and lows. I thank you, for witnessing the changes in me. For understanding, for influencing, for carving me into a better person I am today. Though, there's still flaws, just like what Jordan says, but it's okay, if we combine our flaws, our weaknesses, and turn them into something, beneficial.

I praise my close friends, and good ones, the ones that's not my classmate, for knowing the true side of me, and never gave up on me. Friends like you guys, are just rare like diamonds. Our friendship is just like diamond too, not only rare, but tough, as well.

I praise the teachers, for giving us not only guidance in studies and out future, but also being good adult friends that teenagers now should have.

I praise the government, for providing sufficient electricity and water. For providing comfortable living enviroment. At least, we're not in war nor living in harsh conditions. You've done a great job!

I praise god, for giving me, so many things to praise.

For giving me sight, hearing, taste, touch and smell. For giving me a brain to think, for giving me a working body. For giving emotions, that enriches life even more.

The ocean, the lands, the air, the greens and the animals. Humans misused them, and that what cause the suffering we are in, right now.

I praise, those who has shunned and bruised me, that was, a truly magnificent job you've done there. For it is essential, in molding a better, stronger me.

Thank you, readers, for having such patience, in reading what I praise. Lastly, I praise you.

Drift. Bruise. Loving the impossible

2009-08-06T23:29:00.001+08:00

Letting myself drift... Letting myself bruise... Didn't want to cheer up, because sometimes it just feels better for things to be this way...

How does it feel, to love somebody, that you know you shouldn't.

How does it feel, to know that the person you love, was taken.

How does it feel, when you're doing things for the person you love, but it didn't turn out the way you wanted it to be.

How does it feel, when the person you love is being friendly to another person, but you.

How does it feel, that you could only befriend them, but never get over that line.

Alas, I should just snap out of it. I know my limits. And I should probably cope with it. I'm matured enough, to know what is wrong, what is right, whether this is love or not. Yea, I should know better.

Looks

2009-08-04T13:53:00.005+08:00

Looks matter. You cannot deny that. The increase in good looking guys and beautiful ladies had blinded us with how important moral is.

Who care about moral? Even the moral gripping Chinese are starting to get blinded by it. As long as your partner is more handsome, richer, has a sexy body, then you'll be dominating the social pyramid.

The world is realistic. You know it is.

Even the little detail like what is their hairstyle, what they are wearing, their attitude. Attracts thousand upon thousands of people. The center of attention.

Who cares if you're the most decent guy, who cares if you have brains, who cares if you have a kind heart? People now want looks and money! Of course, not all of them are, but still, the majority is realistic and materialistic.

So, don't you people out there feel lucky that you have a pretty face and hot body? Appreciate it.

ps: This was, a little random. I am not posting this just to show how jealous I am. I know I'm not attractive, at all, and I know I don't have a hot body. So if you think I'm just a jealous and ball-less bastard, then by any means, be my guest.

Is this how it feels?

2009-08-03T20:26:00.005+08:00

We hugged. But I know it's just a friendly one. And will always be. We hugged, and I didn't allow myself to go anymore further. We hugged, and I felt like the world luckiest person, but yet, at the same time, the most miserable one.

You gave the sighted world a breathe of new life.

The look in your eyes, so beautiful. The way you look back into mine. The way we looked into each others eyes. My heart skipped a beat.

I watch you grow, and it was spectacular. I watch you grow, it was beautiful. I watch you grow, and it started to hurt, because I know, I am not allowed to love you.

I kept my distance, and it shall be this way. For you are, taken.

I won't make a move.

I just, want to hug you now. To feel your warmth, to feel your heart beat, to get to smell you. To acknowledge I'm still alive.

Is this how it feels? To love someone that you know you cannot get them to love you too.

1st of August

2009-08-02T11:42:00.002+08:00

1st of August, a friend of mine's birthday party. It was quite a memorable one. One of my last parties with her, and with mostly of the friends that attended the party last night.

It'll be my last year to do a lot of things here.

Final year...

It's getting over me, and I can't stop feeling sad about it. When graduation comes, it'll be a great blend of excitement and great sadness.

Excited that I made it through 6 years in Yu Yuan. That I've spent time with so many of my classmates, through good an bad times. Excited, that I've made my classmates my good and personal friends. Glad, that I cherished they're day as well as they cherished mine. They seen changes in me, as well as I seen changes in them. We all became much better persons than before. *Leave the rest I wanna say when graduation day comes*

Sad, because I'm about to leave the place that I've studied, had fun with tears and joyfulness in it, sweat that has dropped onto the school group, dedication to my orchestra. Hah, orchestra...

Emptiness returns. All over again.

After all the things that you put me through, you think I despise you, but in the end, I wanna thank you, cause you make me that much stronger.

SCREAMS!!

2009-07-30T21:22:00.002+08:00

MORE SCREAMS! hOLY SHIT?! WHAT?! RIGHT HMM... MY LINE'S BACK! GLORIOUS!

What happened so far within these few days of getting stuck without being able to online...

Let us trace back to WHY I couldn't online for a few days.

Parents banned? No. Bad weather? No. Faulty modem?

Closer..

Bad maintenance of the telecommunication system in Sandakan? Oh getting warmer.

The telekom building was set ablaze on Monday morning? Ding ding ding!

You're on fire!... Literally! xD

Hence leading to the distorted days of doing nothing concerning the internet. It felt, quite empty... But it was a good chance for me to finish off my art work that's due 31st of June.

Which I finally finish. Hooray! :D

And guess what, just when everyone was putting their guard down, just as I thought that it wouldn't happen.

It still did.

Let me break it for you. In a not so paranoid way.

Due to the current case of 4 H1N1 victims, Yu Yuan Secondary School is officially closed for a week. School shall resume on the 10th of August. Mid-term exam has been canceled for further notice.

Wicked... :D

Yang Qin

2009-07-26T21:28:00.001+08:00

I'm crazed about the yang qin music piece -Beautiful Africa.

Judging by the title, you already know it describes about the beauty of Africa and it's people.

It was a random one, and I've not perfected it, but still I felt bored and video taped it. enjoy! xD

Try listening this song to the very end too by the way :3 Thanks

Feeling Joyful

2009-07-26T20:09:00.002+08:00

I can't overcome this sudden burst of excitement and gaiety. I'm feeling so inspired, so ambitious.

Reading your newly updated yet left out blog, I can't stop laughing.

You suck, you suck you really suck! Thank goodness you suck. Haha!

Fuck you, fuck you very very much.
Cause we hate what you do, and we hate your whole crew.
So please don't stay in touch.

Fuck you, fuck you very very much.
Cause your word don't translate and it's getting quite late.
So please don't stay in touch.

Look inside your tiny mind dude! :D

Those long months waiting was quite boring and explosively time wasting. I was so flooded and suffocating by your lies! :D

And getting my friends to save me out from troubled waters is just very troublesome of you, doesn't it?

You suck.

Lol, I never get tired from calling you that.

Normal

2009-07-26T18:13:00.002+08:00

I desire, I crave, I'm desperate, to be a little normal.

I begged, I prayed, I yelled for things around me to stop annoying me.

Stop it, please. I know what I am doing.

230th entry.

2009-07-26T13:03:00.002+08:00

Wow, it's my 230th entry in this blog. I need to wait for the mood is right to blog some particular entries, you know, to make it more emotionally appealing.

That's what it is. So stay tuned for future updates.

Randomness for today: Fuck you! :D

A very interesting song. Sung by Lilly Allen.

Thanks Peggy for introducing this song :D

Later!

Chinese Orchestra

2009-07-24T17:41:00.003+08:00

With a wave of the conductor stick, the whole orchestra moves the way the conductor moves.

They move to the way he moves, willingly, or unwillingly?

It's been half a year since I am on this pose. Apparently, I am going to graduate soon. And the orchestra shall be passed down to the next president.

But there's one question circulating me lately. What have I done for my orchestra?

I guess none. I felt so ashamed of it. I shouldn't have gotten onto this pose. I have so many things in mind, to improve the orchestra. But yea, sometimes it just couldn't be done.

They say a good leader is someone who uses their underlings well. It's true, but sometimes, there are things that I should go solo. I know, people are going to criticize on my actions, but, consider my age, I am very clear of what I am doing.

Please, don't judge a person by his expression on his face. Everyone has their own unique expression according to what is on their mind. So please don't make irrelevant assumptions, eh? I know, sometimes you guys say things that might seem piercing me, and my expression would somehow show dislike, but sorry to disappoint you, it's not. In fact, that's my listening look. And if you felt a great sense of dislike, it's upon myself. For making decision that gets criticized.

Please don't try reading my mind, you'll end up being in vain.

I know what's good for my orchestra, if I'm voted as one, I will do my best. I'm a perfectionist, so frustration plays along. You want me to cope with everyone? I do, in a way that people misunderstands. I don't feel under appreciated. It's just a sad case seeing people digging their own grave and let themselves perish.

I'm pretty sure, not many likes me in orchestra, well well, I'm so sorry, I can't please everyone.

Please, don't say that I'm spoiled. It may look like I have a perfect life at home, it's not! In fact, whose family is? One thing is for sure, I'm not a spoiled brat like some in school.

I may be not as good as the other club presidents like Simon, Connie, Tzy Tyng, San Teck, Yu Ze and Jie How. I may not be as creative as any of them. I may not be as skillful as any of them. Nor I'm as a good leader as they are.

I am trying my best.

When you have to cope with dropping grades, I have no choice. What can a perfectionist do.

I took sometime

2009-07-22T22:16:00.002+08:00

I took sometime, to read my previous entries in this blog. And wow, have I grown up.

The way I type now differs, with less typing errors.

I looked back into my past. I laughed, wept, pondered.

I really have matured. I dare say.

Going towards a bright, yet uncertain future.

Looking back in the colourful past, which a dash of light and clashes of darkness in it.

I'd seen

How much I love my friends.

How much I would dedicate my time for the school orchestra.

How much effort I would give to pass my studies.

How much, disappointment I see in our junior nowadays.

But bear in mind, not all juniors are rotten apples.

There's still good soul.

Let's pray, they don't turn bad like the other rotten eggs.

A month

2009-07-22T20:00:00.004+08:00

I think, i am ready, to talk about it.

It was a beautiful month of June. Everything was sweet. It spiced up my life. It was the few weeks of happiness. Everything I see is beautiful, everything I touch turns to gold. I was getting fatter from the sugary sweetness. Every minute every second it'll be in my mind, the love I was in. Every step I take flower would grow, every breathe I take rejuvenates the people around me. I had that aura around me that revives dead soul.

Then came the period where time took control of life. Time restricted from me from meeting up with my purpose of living. My sentimentalism took over too. The bright yellow aura died down. Grief engulfed my morning skies. And rain would beat on my window at night. Things went on like that. Bad things would fade through my thoughts, which I will dismiss.

It became impossible for me to love. And that day, that faithful day, when I listened to Christina Aguilera's Impossible. It happened.

The break up, was one of the thing that hurts most that moment. I was impressed though, that I was able to keep a straight face for a few hours before breaking down when there's nobody at home. The gloomy sky outside turned into thunder storms. The grief I had, turned into frustration. I was furious. Frustrated that I was left like that. For not even giving me a chance to speak up. For not even giving me a chance to let me tell you, how much I've been suffering before you even break up with me.

But yet, I just felt like it's the end of the world for ONE mere hour.

This relationship we shared. Was sweet, bumpy and short.

I deleted your every message, and that's when it starts to hurt. But.. I have move on.

I know, that you won't be visiting this blog anymore. Just like what you did, deleting me from you contact list in Hotmail and Facebook.

You suck!

You say it'll be pointless to say that you'll be here with me always? I want you to know, why you shouldn't you use the term FOREVER! You have to take responsibility.

Mr Hong was right, when you really love someone, and when we break up, more likely getting dumped, we'll blame it all at the partner. For being so selfish, so cruel, so cold, so heartless.

I was starting to recover from my previous bruises from getting together with you, now you doubled the pain. I hope you are happy.

Oh wait! You do!

What is it more to say? It's over. And I'm glad I have friends like Simon, Stella, Tzy Tyng, Su Tien, Bernice, Robert, Wei Wei and Jie How, Phui with me.

I'm single again ladies and gentlemen!

Impossible

It's impossible to love you
If you don't let me know what you're feeling
It's impossible for me to give you what you need
If you're always hidin' from me I don't know what hurt you
I just, I wanna make it right
Cos boy I'm sick and tired of trying to read your mind

It's impossible (impossible)
Oh baby it's impossible for me to love you
It's the way it is
It's impossible (impossible)
Oh baby it's impossible
If you makin' it this way

Impossible to make it easy
If you always tryin' to make it so damn hard
How can I, how can I give you all my love, baby
If you're always, always puttin' up your guard

This is not a circus
Don't you play me for a clown
How long can emotions keep on goin' up and down

It's impossible (impossible)
Oh baby it's impossible for me to love you
It's the way it is
It's impossible (impossible)
Oh baby it's impossible
If you keep treating me this way
Over, over (over and over)

Impossible baby (impossible, impossible)
If you makin' it this way, this way
Oh baby, it's impossible
If you makin' it this way

It was art class

2009-07-19T17:27:00.003+08:00

It was art class, where we will be making candles with jelly candle. And that's when inspiration struck.

You're blue, and I'm red. Together, we mix to form romantic purple. There's a shell inside, and it's the one and only shell, because.. You're the only one I love.

Annoyed

2009-07-19T11:17:00.001+08:00

Really annoyed right now... Things weren't going smoothly as I thought it would..

The line is bad... Everyone at home is nagging the life out of me.. In school the temptation of not doing homework is still suffocating me..

And there's something going on and I had a great suspicion towards it.. I just hope... I'm hallucinating and thinking too much..

Life is starting to flood with despair.. and I once thought I'm a fighter, what's wrong with me lately...

Misused

2009-07-18T23:11:00.001+08:00

Why... Why would you do this to me... I felt so....

Screams!

2009-07-17T23:23:00.002+08:00

I wanna scream till my lungs explode.

Being hidden from...

2009-07-17T22:46:00.002+08:00

So cold... the air outside... it's unbearable... There's no blanket for me to keep warm... It's so cold outside... Being left out...

Something is hiding inside the bush... Why isn't it showing yourself... The wind wasn't being merciful.. It kept blowing.. Harshly... Coldly.. The hiding shadow lurks by...

I had a nightmare... That got my heart pounding in heart and distress...

We made out at first... But things started to get messed up... As people saw us... We gotten separated.. In a deserted building... There weren't any furniture... Just dust and shattered wood.. I called out for you.. There weren't a reply.. The sky suddenly turned dark... I heard water gushing out from the showers.. I flew up the never ending flight of stairs.. I was engulfed in fear... I see.. a room.. a well lit room.. with three doors... I kicked the first door open.. Where the water sound could be heard... Splashing and dripping on the dry floor tile.. I shivered... and kicked open the next door..

It was dry and empty too... But the water splashing noise could still be heard from that two dry bathroom... I turned around to the last door, shaking I kicked it open... It was... A wall...

I screamed.. And dashed out to never ending stairs.. I found myself outside a balcony... The abandoned building took another form... A well lit, luxurious hotel... But.. It's empty.. Every room was empty... I jumped from balcony to balcony, to find more and more empty rooms.. Until... I reached a room.. filled with toy tractors and toy cars..

I couldn't take it.. I jumped... To find myself not on the ground floor, outside the building, but inside.. I knew it.. I was trapped.. Where are you.. I thought... I didn't hit the ground too.. I was clinging onto an enormous rack... As tall as the building itself.. It was a whole row of instruments... Behind the gigantic... Were the glass windows of the empty hotel rooms... But now I see two pairs of feet... In school socks and leather shoes... It was a girl and a boy...

Suddenly the boxes holding the instruments inside vibrated.. I was shocked and let go of my hands... I fell on the ground with a thump.. And the pair was peering at me.. Cursing at me for making so much noise.. Their eyes... their eyes.... Were scribbled with blue ink.. They were closing on me... closer.. with their hands stretched out... I felt the total emptiness and coldness surrounding me.. eating away my soul...

I woke up in the end.. In sweat.. The dream made me realize.. I was still feeling empty... and I felt pathetic of myself.. Because I made a promise to myself.. Not to feel sad over.. well.. something...

I miss the good times... 97 days left to UEC... Why must I suffer....

Good night..

Quote

2009-07-16T22:02:00.000+08:00

"I named a teddy bear that's always on my bedside after you"

Typical boy.

2009-07-16T21:42:00.002+08:00

Recently, I find myself seeing some typical, girl bullying, girl hitting, big mouth boy in my life. I'm not standing up for anyone, I just find it annoying, obnoxious and absolutely childish.

I mean, it's okay to play with girls with some gestures, but doing it all the time, it's not just teasing or playing anymore, I find it harsh. Do you find it fun bullying other people?

Examples you say? I don't know how to describe in english d:

Gah, anyway, this doesn't goes out to him, but to everybody, especially boys. Grow up would you, people?

Music~~~ Classicals~ Opera o.O!

2009-07-16T21:36:00.004+08:00

Classical, opera singing! It keeps playing in my head! I'm going crazy! And it's a good thing too! xD

Listening to opera singing, how did that happen? I loved it when I was just a little child xD

They even show some opera singing in Looney Tunes and Disney cartoons. Bugs Bunny for example. Tom and Jerry. And now with the great use of technology and the internet, I was able to listen to some of the famous and classical ones.

Thanks to Simon too for giving me a whole file of Classical music and a few opera pieces. Thanks!! :D

*romeo and juliet chorus* and *hallelujah chorus* HAhaha, just like what Simon mentioned in the chat box xD

What I'm listening to right now? OF COURSE it's an opera song - 'The Barber Of Seville'

Haha, just a short entry of what I'm quite into nowadays.

Though not sooooo related, I just wish I have pictures of me conducting D:

Oh well... :D

Things and Stuff

2009-07-14T23:00:00.002+08:00

Today wasn't a day that I would call enjoyable. Things tend to piss me off easily. No matter whether it's school stuff, teachers, or even friends.

School wasn't really all that great today. I kept getting annoyed by something, or more specifically, someone. Don't worry, it's not someone from my class. Luckily I was able to sustain my temper.

This morning Fenny said something that gave a small pinch on the head

" Why did you stop smiling?"

Have I?

Anyway...Orchestra meeting this afternoon... was... well... Let's just say I know what I'm bad at and let's not elaborate more on it.

But PE class wasn't all that bad, we laughed heartily at Wei's Wei's dance moves which was way different from the one I was doing, and we all laughed until we're rolling on the floor, well, just me actually. Simon, the class singer a.k.a representative almost lost his voice from laughing so hardly.

True, close friends, are those who's there to pat your back and tell you everything will be okay when you're sad. They are the one who tells you not to be too proud when we triumph but also giving us the most sincere congratulations. Heck, they could even be the one who piss you off, but still recovering fast.

I'm glad to have this small circle of close friends in class. They really know me, understand me. They know my weakness, my strength. Their names shall not be mentioned.

And because one of the close friend I had, I manage to pull myself together and kept on making things better for the best.

Lately things were a little.. Cold. She just simply told me to remain firm and strong when it comes to this situation. Why? Cause she was once cold to her lover, and was only able to meet up with her bf almost 2 or 3 times a year. Plus she never really replied his messages, things went on fora few years. But! They managed to pull it through and now they are happy together. Talk about that!

She's right... Especially at the time where exams are marching closer and closer towards the door of my classroom, I just... have to wait and stay strong.

Am I asking for too much?

I know I won't like it, but what can I do?

With a pat on the shoulder, I smiled.

Gah.. The classical music Simon sent me is sending me to dream land. But that's a good thing! =)

Good night!

*I might edit this post in case something suddenly pops up. Cause I'm feeling a little drowsy for I have not really rested the whole day.*

I felt a little empty

2009-07-09T21:22:00.002+08:00

I lifted my head as I am going to enter my home, it stopped raining, the night sky was empty... There wasn't a sign of blinking stars... Just the cold, dark, empty sky..

Gosh.. I thought to myself.. Why does this relate to me so much... I felt so empty myself... Just like after a drizzle of rain... Sometimes the sun will shine brightly after that... But I can feel the sky is still heavy... It's going to rain again.. Soon.. When everybody is asleep..

BUT NOT ANYMORE! Lols~

Yea, I just suddenly felt empty that time when I lifted my head.. My my.. :D

Gotta study for Adv. Maths now (If I could... somehow D:)

Nights!

The Moon

2009-07-07T22:44:00.002+08:00

The Full Moon

There wasn't a star in sight,
It is a full moon tonight, as I lifted
my head to admire it's beauty,
it was shyly hiding behind
a thin layer of cloud.
How mysterious
it was.

It reminded me,
how things are now.
Beautiful, but with a little
sense of isolation
and loneliness.

The moon is now
high above the sky,
I lifted my head once again
to find the moon clearly showing it's
clear, bright face.
It was so beautiful, it just reflected what
I was missing most in my heart.
You.

Soon the moon will have to
leave the night sky,
and a new day will come.
How I wish the night
would be longer,
for the moon reflects, how
much I miss you
right now,
and it reminds me,
I love no other but
You.

The moon reflects the sunlight,
just like how it reflects my
love towards you.
It may not be as bright
as sunlight itself,
but it still brought light.

Don't let it fade.

Let it go on, like the ever so
Rising of the Sun and the Moon.

Thought it through.

2009-07-06T22:00:00.001+08:00

I couldn't sleep last night...

But it was worth it, because I finally took the time, to think everything through, and before I smiled in triumph, allowing myself to close my eyes, I whispered myself a little promise, sealing it with a tear.

And it was another day...

And I broke the promise I made for myself before I went to bed. I'm starting feel so floatish. (Is that even a word)

"Dear dear Anson, why are you so down? Tell me what's wrong."

" Nothing... It's nothing really..."

"Then why the long face? Cheer up a little would you?"

"Right... I'll try..."

*TRIES VERY HARD*

Haha... So random... Just a little lonely.. and bored.. I'll do homework then... Not after... a... LONG NAP! xD

Night!

Depressed.

2009-07-05T22:26:00.004+08:00

I feel... a little depressed.

Yes, it's just me. I don't know.. Things hasn't been smooth lately.. Sure I hanged out and meet up with old friends, like going for dinner in Sheldon's place and going out with Tricia who came back from Australia, they were good times, but once I get home, I can't help having the feeling of being left out... Being isolated..

Like I said, it's just me. I have people nudging me in hotmail, people sms-ing me now and then, I know you are doing all these for my own good, I know I have to be considerate myself, so what am I being depressed for?!

WHY!? WHY?! WHY?!

It's just me, it's just me... It's just me... Noone was to blame... What I crave for.. has to wait.. For it's still.. in the process.. of growing.. I have to.. I have to... Give time.. that's it.. time... let's not say anything more... that's right... nothing more... before... before.. I ruin everything.. that I love most... with a... heavy heart... I shall... stop... I'm sorry..

It's just me... having a headache.. and thinking too many... irrelevant thoughts... why me.. why me...

I just... need... you... by... my..side....But... A.. promise...is a promise...

I suck.. in controlling my desires.... And I should.. focus on what.. you desire...

Oh hush up Anson! Nothing is gonna change if you just talk about how you feel! Stand up! Face the music! Take action! You can do it!

Right... I have to get over this on my own...

But saying all this... Doesn't mean I hate you... It means I care.

Welcome.. to the emo side of me.

Good night....

Song of the day - Understand

2009-07-04T06:15:00.004+08:00

Editted at 12.45pm, 4th of July 2009.

I've been listening to Christina Aguilera's 'Understand' for quite awhile and I want to share it with you guys. For those who could relate themselves to the lyrics, I'm pretty sure you're not so alone :) I know I did.

"Understand"

I made you think, you don't understand.

I used to think that happiness could only be something
That happened to somebody else
Everybody believed, everybody but me, yeah yeah
And I've been hurt so many times before,
That my hope was dying, so sick of trying
Everybody could see, everybody but me, yeah yeah
But then you came into my life, you opened up my softer side
And now I can see into your eyes
And suddenly, I realize.

I made you think, you don't understand
All the times you didn't understand,
Why you couldn't just be my man.
I made you think, you don't understand
There were many walls you had to climb,
If you really wanted to be mine.
I made you think, you don't understand
After all the hoops I put you through,
Now I see that I'm in love with you

Now, I hope you finally understand.

So many tears I've had to cry,
But you had many more of your own you had to try
But you stuck it out and you're here with me now, yeah yeah
And rememberin' the days I pushed away your love,
You called my bluff and you still stayed around,
Yeah you figured me out
Said, you got me down
And there's no way to lie to you, you know me better than I do

Baby, ooh, you see me through,
I'd be no good without you.

I made you think, you don't understand
All the times you didn't understand,
Why you just couldn't be my man
I made you think, you don't understand
There were many walls you had to climb (yeah)
If you really wanted to be mine (ooh)
I made you think, you don't understand
After all the hoops I put you through (through)
Now I see that I'm in love with you

Now, I hope you finally understand

Oh.

Baby, won't you listen now
Can't you see just what I'm talking about?
Said baby won't you listen now
Can't you see just what I'm talking about?

Time went on, and I was wrong
To keep my distance for so long.
So afraid, you wouldn't stay
But you never turned away

Always right by my side
You're forever in my life
Don't you go
'Cause now I know
That in you I found a home.

Now I can see into your eyes
Suddenly, I realize.

I made you think, you don't understand
All the times you didn't understand
Why you just couldn't be my man
I made you think, you don't understand
There were many walls you had to climb,
If you really wanted to be mine
I made you think, you don't understand
After all the hoops I put you through
Now I see I'm in love with you.

Now, I hope you finally understand.

I made you think, you don't understand.

That's the song.. That I dedicate to the person I love most, and to everyone who can relate themself to this song.

I just wanna say, I'm being too sentimental? I think I should cut down on it...

The Carnival

2009-07-03T19:12:00.002+08:00

The carnival, where people comes and goes. I was so lost, squeezing through the crowd, hopelessly looking for something to lean on, desperate. And that's when, I saw you.

You reached out your hand and held me in your arm. Hold me tight, and I won't let you go too. People around started to cast looks, but we didn't care. We held hands and searched for the exit in the carnival, a place for us to be alone, at least, for awhile. Before you have to depart into your own life again. We hugged, and I see you leave, not making a peep.

The warmth that my palm felt was unforgettable. I touched my heart with it, and it turned me sugar coated, I melted as the warmth touches my body. I crave for more. But I held back, I believe there will be time for us to return to this rendezvous, where we will chat, hold hands, looks each others into the eyes, and cherish the moment, before you leave again.

Time flew by day by day, I stood there alone that night, looking at the moon lit sky. It was so lonely, just like how I felt. Counting the moment till we meet again. There's finally a purpose for me to keep on moving. Wondering, when should I make my move, and bring us to a higher level. That would have to wait too, I told myself.

As you started approaching me I could hear my heart beat racing. I will be spellbound the moment you look into my eyes. My body melts once again when we held hands. When our lips touch we will be on the moon.

Touch me would you? Touch me internally.

Love is such a crazy thing. I sometimes wake up giggling when I dreamt of you. There goes the beat again, don't stop movin' babe. You had me head over heels.

'Our love is the perfect crime'

Love sick

2009-06-29T20:54:00.002+08:00

I wanted to drop by, just to say hello.. wished you could do the same too, but that couldn't be done always.. Can it..?

Wanna chat with you... wanna see you... wanna stay back for awhile..

But I can't... I think...

Gotta stay strong Anson... Might as well say hello here. How are you doing EBM? Hope you are doing well and hope you are reading this...

Love

2009-06-28T23:50:00.001+08:00

This morning when I woke up, I thought to myself.

"Love is just like a plant, or a flower, a beautiful flower."

You need to give it nourishment, water, sunlight and attention. Nourishment flourishes the flower; water provides turgidity for it to support itself; sunlight helps the flower climb to greater heights; attention lets it feel there's a sense of appreciation and satisfaction that it's still something worth while embracing.

But overdoing it may result in the opposite way. Too much nourishment it will suffocate; too much water it will drown; too much sunlight it will wilt; too much attention it will gain vanity and will not embrace the true meaning of what love will bring, or just get suffocated.

That's why personal space should be given.

Love is that funny feeling in your feeling, it's like a butterfly in your heart. You want the world know how much you are in love right now, how much you embrace it, how much you appreciate it, how much you feel satisfaction in it.

You know you're two in a million, you've got all the luck to be together, if the world would ever stop, you know you will still have each other, and no matter what, you will be forever as one.

I love you EBM, just wish you could read what I wrote here. And even if the school found out, I don't wanna think of the consequences, at least, not now.

Love does make you feel braving huh? :p

Random Question: If the world is going to end in a few more things, what would you do?

My answer: Give my classmates and last hug, shake hands with every teacher in the school, give a bow to my elders, grab my passport and air ticker and fly over to my lover's side, and be with my lover until the time comes.

You're my number one.

2009-06-27T21:05:00.001+08:00

If I could sing for EBM right now, I would sing S Club 7 - You're my number one.
EBM is really my number one.

Na na na na..

What is love, cos baby I don't know
I got a funny feeling in my heart
If this is love - it feels like butterflies
So tell me baby is this how it starts

I know I've never felt like this before
You're like a drug you got me wanting more
I've got to let you know - I've got to let you know

You're - you're my number one
I'd do anything for you
Catch the rain from the sky, even hold back the tide for you
Baby baby, you're - you're my number one
With you I know I belong
I put the radio on and it's always playing our song

Na na na na..

Tell me what - what have I gotta do
Cos I wanna lay a claim on you
To make you mine - for now and for all time
So tell me baby what I gotta do

I know I've never felt like this before
You're like a drug you got me wanting more
I've got to let you know - I've got to let you know

You're - you're my number one
I'd do anything for you
Catch the rain from the sky, even hold back the tide for you
Baby baby, you're - you're my number one
With you I know I belong
I put the radio on and it's always playing our song

And there ain't nothing I won't do
I'd walk on water just to be with you

Baby baby, you're - you're my number one
I'd do anything for you
Catch the rain from the sky, even hold back the tide for you
Baby baby, you're - you're my number one
With you I know I belong
I put the radio on and it's always playing our song~

I love EBM!!

Pissing off

2009-06-27T20:38:00.001+08:00

You know what, I must really stand up against her, lift up my courage and just GET THE FRICKING PHONE BACK!

Damn that woman! GRrrrrrrr~

I am deeply in love.

2009-06-25T23:39:00.003+08:00

*The name EBMshall be used*

I love EBM, I love EBM so much it has become the sole purpose for me to live on. But love isn't all about those mushy mushy things you say, nor is it the romantic phrases ever said; it's what inside the heart that really counts. And not to forget to respect the other half, and to be patient, and being able to understand.

I lack respect and understanding I think. Eventhough EBM says 'Nvm' everytime I'm being in considerate, I feel bad. Yes, I need attention, but EBM has friends to spend time with too, I'm feeling so selfish and I should have jsut let EBM go and trust EBM completely that EBM is being loyal anf faithful, I know EBM does and will. But what can I do... When I really miss EBM so much but in the same time I have to understand too, that's why I have to learn to respect =)

I may love EBM, but the thought of EBM not going to love me if I'm being overly emotional just hurts me completely and able to make me collapse to the ground in tear. I love EBM so much I didn't want it to be like the previous relationships I had. I want this relationship with EBM to last forever!

I want to be close to EBM, but I'm sure that takes a lot of time and patiencem especialy when you're other half is busy and have to deal with a lot of stress. And because of this, I have to even respect and love EbM more. I won't let EBM go, ever!

I love EBM!

I just wish EBM is reading this post...

It's getting late... good night... =(

I'm back in the game!

2009-06-23T22:12:00.002+08:00

I'm back in the game! After those very disappointing weeks being battered and torn, I found the inspiration to keep on moving in life.

Love is really that strange thing inside here that tingles a lot and makes you smile. It brightens your day and it gives me hope.

It's unorthodox for what people think, but for me, it's what true love that keeps the disbelievers mouth shut >:D

But still, absence makes the heart grow fonder and that's how I am feeling right now, the greatness of sadness in me has now become suicidal.

Wicked D:<

You suck!

2009-05-11T22:25:00.002+08:00

Finally, after 77 days, I remembered that I was still waiting for you.

What a waste of time and emotion, after all these days, should I not heed your warning and not to wait for you? Great, now you've done it, you snapped me out of it, I can't stop that rejoice inside me, and you were not even acknowledging the fact. you suck. You suck to the core, but hey, you're you.

Finally, you've really done it this time. I get the message, may we meet in the near future.

But still... the urge, of tears rolling down, could not be resisted.

Roll tears roll! Show yourself that you're finally understanding the cold, dark and hard fact that you're on a wild goose chase. Show that to everyone else, that you've wasted your time being patient, at least, you think you were.

And let you remind yourself, because of this waiting, you've let go of what's more important, your friends around you. This waiting... Is just not worth it...

Good riddance.

ps: Fucking pissed I am. But I'm sure it's just temporary, since, I am so easily cheered up xD Not to mention forgetful of people's wrong doings o.O Alas, I shall still forgive this person.

Still sad.

2009-04-26T16:04:00.006+08:00

Have you ever had a friend, that you consider very close? So close, that others think we're in a love relationship?

Have you ever had a friend, that's so close, you would miss them ever so greatly even if it's just a few days of not contacting each other?

Have you ever had a close friend, that knows what will you react to every single thing? Knows your attribute, your weaknesses, things that cheer you up, things that turn you on..? What turns you off?

Have you ever had a friend, that will hurt you the moment you know their not gonna talk to you for a long.. long time?

Have you ever had a close friend, that influences you in so much way that you would not ever thought of?

Have you had a close friend, that makes you wanna say 'Fuck you' right in their face just because they were being selfish and left you behind? But still feeling sorry for saying that.

I have one.

But I was dumb enough not to spend time with them wisely, still, "" shall be my close friend until
my give out my last breathe..

Well... back to homework I suppose..

ps: the post on 12nd of April was FINALLY updated.

Disappointment

2009-04-24T11:37:00.002+08:00

Hello I'm in school blogging~ xD

Anyway speaking of school,I'm actually quite broken seeing every teacher giving me an eye of disappointment, as they return me my test papers.

In their eyes, they scream out that I seriously have to buck up.

And so, I wrote these in my book...

"Anson, you have to move on. Let this be a lesson to you, how bad it is to feel depressed and let your homework suffer. Now you've done it, all your grades, even English, dropped to the pt bottom. Is this what you want? Flunking your UEC? Buck up! =( "

The total sadness.... Of not able to please people who had hopes in you...

S2A2008

2009-04-18T21:11:00.002+08:00

S2A2008

How much fun was it when Aveline was always there with me. She's always there for me, but not any more, as she, like everybody else, left to pursue their dreams.

There was a craze in facebook, where a group of friends started to tag each other in pictures and comment them. In their comment, flow a great scent of missing each other. I too, joined in this fiesta, and during this process, I got caught in it too, leaving my own scent, as I was reminded was much I miss my 2008 classmates.

Time has gone by, absence makes the heart grow fonder. I see how much it's affecting my emotions now, as I hold my tears back viewing the pictures of us from last year. Thinking of the moments we spent, was so much wonderous than I thought it will be.

It was well spent, yes it was.

To Aveline, you are a sister to me, you knew a lot of me, and I mean it, a lot!

To Jordan, you have showed me the path to 'proper' living, thank you.

To Kai, you changed a little, but deep down inside you will still be my bumbling Kai.

To Sheldon, you are still my 'master', feel free to abuse me (DONT GET THE WRONG IDEA xD)

To Phui, if you weren't in chinese orchestra, we wouldn't have gotten this far.. thank you

To Heye, Miss Tigress, when shall you get married? lol

To Robin, we may have our differences, but I still miss you ever so much.

To Alex, I'm never tired of calling you Datuk! xD

To Melanie and Fei Ching, you two have become inseperable, or so I have heard, glad to hear you guys are still doing well.

To the rest, I miss you guys, and to be honest, we may not spend so much time together, but, even there were, they are all memorable ones, good or bad.

Good luck in your studies!

Eyesore

2009-04-13T21:56:00.003+08:00

Ooooo I'm an eyesore? Even if you deny it, I feel that things have been going on like this. I'm an eyesore in everything. Bahahaha!

You fake bastards! =D

Milk and cokies anyone?

Lol randomness =P

Anyway, I've been getting lots of comment about how much darker I've got. Well thank you people for noticing. And the common question would be, 'Why are you so dark hah?'

With a smile on my face, I'll say ' Marching in school.'

Some give that 'ugh' look, like 'What's so fun in marching? o.O' God makes me wanna.... ****~ =D

But seriously, is it really that dark to you? D=

ps: There'll be an update in a post for yesterday, it's not ready yet, so... I'll be random for now

Later!

I think I am ready.

2009-04-12T19:31:00.005+08:00

I think I'm ready.. to let go of the accursed past. In this short span of 48days, I've been keeping myself to such an extreme that not many things cheer me up, they make me laugh, but not entirely cheerful.

But still, I do sit down quietly and think.

The power of forgive and forget. I admit I was hurt, but seldom have I thought to forget why I'm so desperately torn. All that's in my mind was how battered I am. I seek pleasure through different sources, but yet I remained unchanged. I have friends surrounding me, who sought to share and cheer me up, though I remained petty and silent.

It was a lethal addiction that I find what happiness meant to me. But now, I have to let it go, wrap it up, put it aside and forget about it. And maybe, in the near future, as it calls out for me, I shall return with open arms.

I have sinned. I need my own forgiveness as I had given it to him. I'm finally learning to lift my head up, and walk away. None shall be blamed for my mislead life but me. It was still remarkable even though it had scarred a portion of me. Let it be a painful yet memorable lesson for me.

And for everyone else, please forgive, and forget...

Disappointment

2009-04-08T18:43:00.007+08:00

Disappointed

That's how I feel right now... Thinking... Why does it always happen on me...

I'm relatively patient right?

Why do I suddenly feel, tired of waiting...

It has been weeks...

I still cant let you go...

The question is..

Do I still deserve you... Have you even been knowing how I've been?

Drifted.

That's what it is.

I am desperate...

I want you and I need you..

But somehow, you're just being..

Selfish.

Misunderstood, misused, misguided, unappreciated..

That's what I am.

Does that mean I have to walk away from you?

No.

Thank you... For the joyful memory you had given me..

I don't blame you for making me this way..

It was me myself...

Happy Birthday Lisha!

2009-04-04T00:00:00.004+08:00

Have you ever notice that small little link that goes by the name 'CMTY-LISHA' ?

Well that link is not as small as you think it is... because she just turned 15 as you are reading this post right this instead!

*throws confetti*

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LISHA SIS!

It was a great pleasure knowing you as my maple sis ^^ And know, you're not just a cyber sis, I consider you as a great friend to talk and share with.

May your wishes come true =)

ps: My msn suddenly gay-ed.

Thank You Jordan

2009-04-01T22:44:00.001+08:00

Thank you Jordan, for the kind words. It was cheering me up, it was motivating me, I was making me snap out of the dazed condition I was in, it was... The thing that I really needed most.

I just never thought, that there'll be someone who would say such things for me, the things of what I really wanted to hear most. To know that I'm not alone, to know that there's still people who really understands how I felt deep down inside.

I was at the verge of breaking down recently. At school, people may see me as a funny, happy-go-lucky, cheerful guy, but at home, not even my mother had seen such sorrows portrayed on her son's delicate face. The frown on his face, tells a story that could be written into a book. The minutes he spent waiting... and waiting... and waiting...

He does tries his best to control that down sliding emotion of his, and he did managed to control his anger too. He just had to, sometimes, show his rage in front of disrespectful and disobeying people just to show them who's boss.

He let his grades slip because of this unorthodox waiting and staying in the past. He was given a lecture from not only his parents, but also his form teacher and school teachers.

Jordan, I thank you personally, in front of all my readers, for telling me to not cry over spilt milk and look for a better future, it's a long road ahead, I shouldn't be giving up on life, at least, not now.

I shall, leave a part of me right here, to remember the things people had done for me, good or bad, joy or sorrow. And the other half, walking into the unknown, mysterious future.

The past is the past, I just didn't imagine keeping myself waiting for so long and neglecting other things in life. But hear this, I never find it time wasting and regretting.

As for the future? I shall, treat it cautiously, and spend it with the one creation that I could seek support, care and mutual understanding - friends.

ps: I miss you guys. Jordan, Aveline, Kai, Phui and so much more... One day I'll join you guys!

So have I cheered up? Time will tell... somehow...

Frustration

2009-03-28T20:22:00.003+08:00

Frustrations come and go. Patience might be limited depending on different individual. Emotions are not a thing to be messed around with. Trust and faith are just the few fragile ornaments in life.

When you're in a state of being total self conceit, you'll think that everything you decide is right, you won't really think deeply of the consequences it brings, don't you? Well here's what I want to say to you, please snap out of it and look at the big picture.

ps: The 'you' is for everybody who's like that. Not a particular target. =)

Phew! What an emotional and tiring day! I have to force myself to be fierce today, and for the rest of the year, I think I have to show some 'face', the ugly one. The orchestra needs discipline, and someone have to be the meanie, no more Mr-nice-Anson. If I can't teach them the nice and meek way, then I'm sorry I just have to do it the hard and tough way.

Walking below the hot sun, I thought to myself, life is always full of decisions, which then unlocks the door of mysteries. It's always painstaking when you have to make some decisions that will alter the fate of either myself, somebody else or even the fate of the orchestra, for example.

Being leader ain't easy, being the head isn't fun. And I'm all so prepared to be nagged, chided, scolded, because I know, that's my duty, to serve the orchestra. I know, I may not be the best president the orchestra had, but I am keen on learning how to be one, I am patient, despite the silly and happy-go-lucky face of mine.

My attitude, my thinking, my gesture might differ from other previous presidents. But hear this, I won't let my private life interfere with the orchestra. What if everyone around me is telling me to not be so serious on the orchestra and concentrate on my studies instead? I will still work dutifully for my people, I will try my best to work as diligent as I could and buck up in my studies, I will build a barrier to ward away unwanted distraction and petty prejudices.

Being the leader sometimes sucks, not only you can't take part in every fun activity happening, it's quite taboo to ever show a tired face or even a tiny speck of weakness. Well, at least for me, I won't ever show how tired I am to the members of the orchestra, only the close ones will understand me.

But one thing that I haven't let go... Is the one thing that I've been missing for the past whole month.. It's unorthodox, it's some how creepy, but I've lived through it for quite awhile, and slowly, adapting myself to the status quo.

I apologize deeply to my friends around me for letting this great emotional flush of mine affect the way I treat you guys. It's a really vulnerable state which I am easily hurt, not to mention easily getting mood swings, it's a really unstable stage.

Bottom line, I really hope people nowadays will act rationally and not being so selfish, not to mention childish. And, I want everyone to know, that I will do anything I can in my power, to make my life a better place to live.

Salutations.